The Divine Appointment I Nearly Missed

Last weekend I had a moment I couldn't have planned or prepared for.

I was at a large aquatic center and the place was buzzing with excited swimmers getting ready to compete in our Championship meet.

According to the Swim League website there were  over 1000 swimmers registered to compete. Just swimmers. Add a parent (or two) and you could say the place was crowded.

The competition had been in full swing for a couple of hours when The Girl told me she needed to use the restroom. I asked her to find a friend and go, after-all I was socializing with a couple of moms. But she was insistent that I take her.

 I (begrudgingly) did.

While I was there I decided I should go ahead and use the facility as well, and when I came out of the stall to wash my hands I noticed a gal about my age doing her best to stop crying.

Our eyes met.

I gently asked if she was OK.

She told me she was "just trying to get it together" and then added "its just that single-parenting is sometimes really hard."

Her tone wasn't whiny or full of pity, she was just stating a fact: Sometimes life is hard.

Before I knew what I was doing I walked over and threw my arms around her, which she readily accepted.

In that bustling bathroom I whispered short encouragements to her: Hang in there. You can do this.

We held each other tight and after a short time I let her go and walked out of the room into the masses of people.

I've been thinking and praying for her all week. Simply cannot get her, and those like her, off my mind.

I wish I had had the courage (or thought) to pray over her, right there in that bathroom...to encourage her in a more tangible way.

But I've been praying ever since...

Praying for those in my life who - be it by choice or circumstance - walk this arduous and beautiful road of parenthood all by themselves.

I'm praying that I would not underestimate being ready to encourage others with a Love that never fails, and that I would be ready in season and out. I pray that I wouldn't allow selfish desires to get in the way of moments and opportunities to comfort those in trouble with the comfort I've received.

Sometimes life is hard.

May I never be too busy, never be too blinded by the sights and sounds of life, or by things that clamor for my attention, to be an encouragement to those around me...Lord, may it be so.

Suddenly Sabbatical

My husband has 5 large book shelves in his office.


Books on hiking and parenting. Biology, theology, eschatology. He's got financial texts and literature through the ages . He's got volumes on conditions of the body, mind and heart.


I could go on and on, but I won't.


The gist is he has many, many books.


Occasionally, when I need a book that isn't of the fiction kind...one that forces me to read slow and think...I go into his office and steal borrow one.  If I don't dog-ear the pages to mark my place, or accidently leave it in the bathroom, he usually never knows of my thieving ways.


Two weeks ago I picked up Disappointed with God by Phillip Yancey.


If you haven't read it, Yancey opens with a story of a young man, who through various circumstances that aren't small in nature, becomes disappointed with God. As this man's story unfolds, Yancey begins to realize that there were three questions the young man wants answered:


Is God unfair? 


Is He silent? 


Is He hidden?


The Lord knew I would need to read this book at this time.


The last few weeks have not been easy ones.


I've a had few suddenlies this month. You know what I mean...then suddenly I got a call....then suddenly my life flashed before my eyes....then suddenly I realized the truth...


These suddenlies stirred up issues I long thought had been resolved.


Deep issues of trust, of betrayal, of hurt.


Issues that have me asking why things sometimes work out that feel unfair?


Like allowing credit to be given where it isn't due.


Like watching a mother bury her child.


Or waiting for the apology that won't ever come.


As I've thought about the suddenlies in my life, I am reminded that in these circumstances the question is not about about fairness. Or silence. Or God being hidden.


God has experienced these things as He watched his Son die; To pay my debt, for which I (without Christ's sacrifice) could never pay in full.


I've never been one with a high need for justice, but this week I surprised myself. For a few long days, I began to crave answers that no one could answer. I started to feel that old need for formulas and checklists. For do's and don'ts.


I just wanted to throw my hands up in the air and say Just tell me what to do?!


His answer?


Love me. And let me love you.


Consider this quote:

As I read through the Bible..., I marveled at how much God lets humans affect Him. I was unprepared for the joy and anguish - in short, the passion - of the God of the Universe. By studying "about" God, by taming Him and reducing Him to words and concepts that could be filed away in alphabetical order, I had lost the force of the passionate relationship God seeks above all else. The people who related to God best - Abraham, Moses, David, Isaiah, Jeremiah - treated Him with startling familiarity. They talked to God as if he were sitting in a chair beside them, as one might talk to a counselor, a boss, a parent, a lover. They treated Him like a person.

That (reading of the entire bible from start to finish) put my three questions about disappointment with God in a new light. They are not puzzles awaiting solutions, such as you would encounter in the field of mathematics or computer programming or even philosophy. Rather, they are problems of relationship between human beings and a God who wants desperately to love and be loved by us. 

~ Disappointment With God; Phillip Yancy; pp.56-57

There it is.


That sweet reminder.


God wants to know us.


He wants us to know Him.


He has experienced the hardships that life has to offer. He knows them full well. Yet he is not hindered by them.


No, God's Word will not be chained (2 Tim 2:9). 


In our weakness He becomes the Rock, the Hiding Place, the Comforter . All because he knew the full extent of all the sunddenlies, of unfairness, silence, and the hidden face of God...


Its about sharing in His sufferings, so we can know, really know, the Resurrection and Life. (John 11:25)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Traditionally I take a sabbatical during Holy Week. I turn off the computer, shut down the tweets, click off the TV and focus. This years sabbatical couldn't come at a better time. I pray this coming week would be one that draws you nearer to our Savior and finds you celebrating the beauty and freedom of Resurrection on Easter morning.


With Love,
LVCG 

Happy New Year's Eve!

 I couldn't let this day go by without posting one last word for the year.

So I leave you with these thoughts....

This year has had so many wonderful moments in it:

A great year for traveling to see dear friends and family-- from Michigan to Washington (and Texas in between.)

It's been a year of blessings: finding good renters for our Arizona house; family members making it through surgeries and accidents without too many complications. There have been engagements and weddings and births.

Its been a year of growth: creatively, personally, spiritually and physically.

Its been a year for re-connecting with friends I love.

It's been a year for good things.

Its also been difficult...

Two dear friends lost children this year.

Three of my friends lost a parent...all to cancer.

I've got people I love who are struggling in their marriages.

Some friends have dealt with unexpected health issues, some with chronic illness.

There have been messes, some of my own making.

Yes, there has been unimaginable joy and deep, deep, sorrow.

Sometimes, when the weather get colder and the days get longer, the sorrow is what lingers in my mind... My heart... My focus...

Until I read this:

One day we shall see that nothing - literally nothing- that could have increased our eternal happiness has been denied us and that nothing - literally nothing - that could have reduced that happiness has been left with us.      

-J.I.Packer

God is in control. In 2009. In 2010.

As I look back at all the sorrows and blessings of the year that has past. I am reminded that life isn't temporal, there's so much more...but in the meantime we have a full life to live, and we aren't left to ourselves in times of joy or sorrow:

In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Romans 8:37

I am humbled and grateful as I look to the year ahead, with trembling anticipation, knowing whatever comes, blessing or sorrow, I can hold Gods truth close to my heart.

I am convinced that neither death nor life, 

neither angels nor demons, 

neither the present nor the future, 

nor any powers, 

neither height nor depth, 

nor anything else in all creation, 

will be able to separate us from the love of God 

that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

 One day we shall see....

When Life Feels Hard

I'm taking a blogging break this week.  

We have friends that are in need of prayer. Their hearts are broken in ways that I haven't experienced, but I know that somehow, even though I cannot begin to understand or remotely see, God will prevail. 

I was reminded this morning that we have the great promises of God in Revelation 21:4:

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."

Why do bad things happen to good people?  There isn't one good answer that can assuage my heart in this moment...but I do know this: God's word says that He loves us. 

I've been a Christian for a long time now, but that doesn't mean that I don't question trials. Being a Christian doesn't mean I don't ask questions when it feels like God has turned His face away; or wonder what on earth His plan could be. But I know that His promises are true. 

When I see hard things happen to good people, I take comfort in Romans 8:35, 38-39:

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?...For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

We can question. We can cry. We can wonder what God is doing when the unexpected happens, but through all the unknowing we can rest in His love.

I was reading a chapter of Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World by Joanna Weaver, and this paragraph says it all:

Trials are real. Bad things happen-to good people and bad people alike. And we who are Christian don't escape life, Paul says. We overcome life: "In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." (Romans 8:37)

In all these things...we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us...

Oh Lord, may it be as you have promised for our heart-broken friends...

Shallow Comforts

* This post was written in September of 2007. Originally it was posted on another blog where I occasionally guest posted. In light of all "resolution talk" that goes around this time of year, re-reading this post was a good reminder to me. A reminder to focus back on what's important.

It is a bit long. So getcha a cup of coffee...You'll need it if you plan to stay all night tonight anyway!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Several weeks ago I started a Beth Moore study on the book of Daniel.  

The beginning of this study opens with Beth making parallels between the Babylon of Daniel’s time and the culture we live in today.

I agree with Beth, we do live in a modern day Babylon, where outward appearance is of supreme importance and everything from the magazine stand to the shampoo bottle is telling us that we deserve to be happy and wealthy; we “can have it all”. 

Our culture tells us that we can wish for, buy, steal or borrow happiness.  As a culture we are inundated with slogans, ad campaigns and “people” that tell us what we can do, think, and feel to achieve success and be considered ‘highly’.  

These products and philosophies are all distractions, taking my focus off the most important thing in life and replacing Him with surface level band-aids not meant at all to help the core of the problem. What is my problem?  Glad you asked!

My problem is that I am a sinner, completely and totally needy for a Savior. I have not committed any really “bad” sins so far in my life. I am faithful to my husband; I try to be a good mom. I give to the church and make meals for the needy. I am involved in ministry and do my best to be nice. OH! I have several pastors’ wives as good friends and I go, every week, to lady’s bible study, so I keep nice company. 

And yet…

 I do have a problem. One you can’t see and I try to keep hidden. A deep seated ugliness that I could pin on the whole Adam and Eve/Fall of Man thing. It’s the problem of not realizing how much I depend upon the things of the world to satiate my need for the One Thing. 

I need to sit down and remind myself that it is not a new wardrobe, not a pill, not a new exercise program, not to lose another five pounds, but The Savior alone, that can cure me. 

For the record, I’m talkin’ Jesus here.

I have become so beguiled to the culture I live in, that not only am I sucked in by the hype, but worse, I have stopped seeing how much it affects me.  

Apathy: that’s a scary place to be.  The trap apathy lays before me is one that isn’t the easiest to escape.

I’m reading Thomas a Kempis right now. This quote hit where it hurts this week:

It is unthinkable that a man can truly find happiness in this life, if at the same time he views himself as an exile here and sees his soul surrounded by many dangers.

On a day to day basis, I don’t see my soul surrounded by many dangers. I have grown complacent and comfortable in a culture that tells me that I am good and deserve happiness, and spoon feeds me information that I have been told I want to hear. To add insult to injury, I have found myself licking that plate clean and asking for more.  Because the things I think will fix me cannot satisfy my neediness.  It’s like eating cotton candy; a beautiful mound of fluffy pink cloud, full of empty calories that leave me wanting.  

All is distraction. Dangerous distractions that keep me from the realization that I cannot find happiness in a place where I am not meant to stay. Even if my time here lasts 90 years, this world is not my home.

Blessed is the man who can set aside all distraction…

Act with courage, for habit is broken by habit.

 –Kempis

At the beginning of the study it was suggested that we exercise a tiny bit of self-denial in a culture full of indulgence, abstaining from rich meats or something that would give us a chance to tell ourselves “no”. It could be anything and not just food and only for a time. 

This is suggested to be a tangible reminder to stand apart from our culture, a lot like Daniel and his friends did when they asked to be fed on a diet that was the antithesis of the Kings table. He did this because he refused to lay down the standards of God in exchange for the standards of men.  

I asked God to show me the ways in which I feed my mind upon the things of the world that are harmful to my soul.

And He answered.

I am a current events and news junky. I get on line several times a day to look up multiple news websites to see what is happening in the world. CNN, NYCTimes, and my local paper. Oh, and to keep up on “current events”, I also go to the People Magazine website. Every. Day.  

I was sad when I clicked over to People and saw that we, as a country, are watching young women deteriorate right in front of our eyes. 

One young singer in particular is in-over-her-head in an apathetic trap; losing her friends, fans, career, and maybe even her children.  She is losing her life, and I am logging on every day to see what will happen next; Aiding and abetting a mockery that is chewing up this woman and spitting her out.  

I am not saying that reading a People magazine is “bad”.  What I am saying is that I have become so indoctrinated in the way of the world that I can no longer identify her ugliness with the fact that it is really the same as mine...she is trying just as hard to feed that needy place reserved exclusively for Christ, with the cotton candy lies of the world. It’s just that my neediness isn’t plastered all over the world in a black sequin bikini; Mine is hidden behind a casserole and standard pew at church. 

So, I am giving current affairs and news stories a rest.  I have limited myself to the local 5 o’clock news and weather.com from now until December.  It’s been hard this week because browsing the news websites has become a habit. But I am looking forward to hearing what God has to share with me in the weeks to come as I clean out my head and heart of the rubbish, and replace them with the things of God.

The “shallow comforts of this world” aren’t enough.  I know that, but I don’t live that. 

It’s time to start.

And the Pendulum Swings

The tables are set.

The lights are twinkly.

But let's be real for moment, shall we?

Remember yesterday, when I walked around with a bird on my finger all day? My out look sunny and my disposition light?

Well, I'm still full of anticipation, except today I am aware that I also carry great fear. 

Often irrational fear. 

I have written about major fears in my life on this blog before. Fear of failure, fear of change, fear of being out of control, the list goes on...

Some times the fear is reasonable, but many times the fear is unfounded. For instance this Sunday in church when, all of a sudden, I was racked with anxiety. Or this morning, as I kissed The Mister and he drove off into the foggy morning, and my mind went to the fear gutter.

Instead of praying about my fear I chose to let my imagination make it worse: What would I do without him? How would I get my life in order? Where would I live?

Suddenly an audible voice inside my head said: STOP!

Whew! Thank you Jesus. Chasing my thoughts is exhausting.

Tonight I will give a 15 minute devotion on Luke 1:46-55: Mary's Magnificat.  I love this short piece of scripture because Mary's song can be our song. Should we choose to sing it.

It's a song of the past that rings true in the present, and gives us great hope for the future. It's a song of praise to God who reigns in heaven on earth, who has been (and will be) true to His Word. 

This song is the antithesis of fear. It's a focus on God and His love in a time that was certain to be difficult. If there was any reason to fear in the life of this young woman, it would have been in this time. But scripture says she didn't fear (vs. 38), because God was in control. 

In the verse just before Mary's song, we read these words twice : Be not afraid. (Vs. 13 and 30)

This morning as I bustle around trying to make everything "just so" (which is what I do when I'm afraid), God is reminding me that I don't have to be afraid. 

So, the tables are set, the lights are twinkly, and God is in control.

"My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Saviour." - Luke 1:46-47

La Vida Dulce!

Numbers (Or Weighing in on Weighing Out)

Let me start by telling you a funny story.  When my kids were little, (when I struggled the most with eating and body issues) we had a membership to the Fort Worth Zoo.

We loved that zoo and being a stay at home mom with a baby and a preschooler afforded me a lot of time in which to visit.

It was also during this period of time that The Mister threw out the scale in our bathroom. 

Although I wasn’t thrilled with his decision to throw out what had become a big fixture in my life, I knew that it needed to go.

However, I went to great (and sneaky) lengths to figure out what I was weighing.  This included using bathrooms at girlfriends houses; weighing at the gym; and sneaking to the bathroom isle in the Wal-Mart (and waiting for the guy who was picking out toilet brushes to go away) so I could get that all powerful number. 

Yeah, I should be embarrassed to tell you that, but I’m not; What I am about to tell you is worse...

When I could not find a scale in which to weigh I could always count on our trip to the zoo. The zoo had an exhibit that included a large animal scale that weighed you according to chickens, goats or cows.

(I’m chuckling a little bit here at the absurdity.) 

The exhibit literature informed you how much a chicken, goat or cow would weigh on average.  Then you were to hop on the scale and it would weigh you in how many chickens, goats or cows your weight totaled.

I would start with the kids. “Come on,” I would say to The Boy, “Let’s see how many chickens you weigh? Oh look! You weigh 6 chickens!”

Innocent enough. I would need to play along, right?

Absolutely. But what my children didn’t know is that I was serious. 

Serious about trying to see if I could be one less chicken by the next visit. 

Seriously grateful I wasn’t multiple goats. 

Seriously sick in the head.

I went through some pretty big hoops to find my value in the weight of many chickens.

So that’s some history. 

Fast forward to present time. I’m not quite as sneaky about weighing myself anymore. 

As a matter of fact, 30 days ago I would have told you that it wasn’t a problem at all. That’s not true.

This month I have realized how much I think about it; how much I depend on the scale to either boost my ego or ruin my day. 

I realized that I use that number to give me the false sense that I’m OK.  I give that number more weight than it deserves.

God accepts us for who we are. Our value is not defined in our outward appearance. How sad it is that I set confined parameters for His infinite love! The Good news? He will not be confined!

I find it fitting that one of my most all time favorite scriptures is Matthew 10:31 (although I didn’t make the connection until this very moment.)

So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many chickens sparrows.

I don’t live in that knowledge on a day to day basis. I let something as simple as numbers get in the way.

I wouldn’t be being honest if I didn’t tell you I’m actually contemplating not getting on that scale today. As much as I'm curious to know, there is also some fear. For the last four and a half weeks I have not been to the gym. The kids have been out of school, and with their swim team schedule it hasn’t been feasible. I’ve been running some (when the hot weather permits) and working out from home, but it’s not the same. 

As someone who is an avid exerciser, not working out was unexpected twist. Honestly, had I known that it was going to work out this way, I probably wouldn’t have done it. I’m glad I didn’t know.

So what’s the truth in this circumstance? 

The truth is that even without knowing the numbers or keeping the gym schedule, I feel all right. I still fit into my clothes, and although my muscles aren’t quite as defined, I know it’s nothing a few weeks back at the gym can’t whip back into shape...but there is a little fear. 

Which is why I’m going to keep those True-ism cards close at hand.

If you have decided to join me in focusing on one True-ism a week, then get out your Numbers card and put it where you will see it often.

1 Sam 16:7-

But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

Lastly, The Mister has lovingly handed me my $20 winning. That was money well earned!

La Vida Dulce!

Maybe Next Week. Maybe Next Year.

Have you ever had one of those moments in time, when you knew that things were happening just as they should? When you realized that things were happening that you never could have orchestrated on your own? Yet you doubted still?

Yesterday (and really the last week) was one of those times.  

Yesterday I stepped way out of my comfort zone. 

I had the opportunity to meet an author of a book I read several years ago that was instrumental in my spiritual and physical life. She was in Scottsdale on business, and through a series of events (that I will talk more about on Monday) we found ourselves sitting in a Chipotle talking about life. 

The funny thing is that it was completely out of my character to make a very long drive to meet someone I have never spoken to. But when she invited me to meet for coffee last week, I knew I hadn't a choice but to go. I knew that that meeting had to take place, even though there was fear (on my part) in the meeting. 

I was nervous about the logistics of how our meeting would take place. I was nervous about making it to the office on time. I was nervous about meeting this gal. I was nervous about driving on my own, to a city I do not know. I was nervous about what we would talk about. I was nervous. 

No, I was anxious. 

Honestly, while being excited for this opportunity, I was praying that God would release me from this responsibility. 

Ambivalence is such a paralyzing and exhausting thing.

Tuesday morning during my quiet time I realized that I needed to trust God with the details, and do what I normally do: Be who I am.

I was prayer journaling, writing out every concern.  Asking  God for His peace, but also for the strength to wait.  I also confessed my ambivalence, and my selfish desire to respond only to things He asks me to do that are convenient, or that allow me to be seen in a favorable light! I wrote of my great excitement, and my foreboding nerves. I confessed my hope in the meeting, and the hope that we might not meet. 

I opened my bible and found myself in Isaiah 55:22

"so is my word that goes out from my mouth: 
       It will not return to me empty, 
       but will accomplish what I desire 
       and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

 You will go out in joy 
   and be led forth in peace;"

So pretty much this is what I felt the Lord speak to my heart that morning:

You think you're in control. Your not. 

I have asked you to go. You will go. 

I have plans. You will accomplish those plans, in My strength. 

I will lead you in peace. You will follow. 

I have worked big things in your life, you have reason to trust Me. 

You don't have to worry about what comes of this, because it's not really up to you. 

You'll meet with this gal, and tell her that you are interested in being apart of her work:

Tell her: "Next week or next year." 

Ask her to keep you in mind.

You will chat. You will come home. 

You. 

Will. 

Wait. 

If this sounds harsh to you, let me assure you it wasn't. Sometimes Truth can appear harsh, but it really makes life easier.

I went to Scottsdale. I wish I could tell you I wasn't a bundle of nerves. I wish I could tell you that I went in complete peace. But peace isn't about the absence of nervousness. It's about knowing that sometimes doing what God asks you to do feels risky, but when He's involved You can rest in this truth: obedience brings blessing and strength (Duet 11:8). 

Maybe next week. Maybe next year.

The meeting went well. I thought it was positive. Of course, I spent a good portion of the ride home thinking of all the things I should have said; all the things I wish I hadn't said. I felt a little uncomfortable talking about myself...not in the moment, but in the time afterward.

It's in that doubtful place that I find myself this morning. Often times, when I share a part of myself with another person, I find myself doubting the next day.  I know that this is a normal part of relational risk. That's why I am so grateful that God didn't just leave me with that verse in Isaiah. In my quiet time on Wednesday I read this last line in my current devotional (written by Beth Moore) that I feel was definitely written for me in that moment:

Persevere doer of the Word. A harvest is coming.

I am incredibly grateful for yesterday. Meeting others who are passionate about the work the Lord has called them to is inspiring, motivating and exciting. My heart stirs just thinking about it. I looking forward to telling you more about it next week. 

I am sharing this with you because I know there are times in life when it seems easier to avoid doing what God asks us to do: To pretend we don't hear and look the other way. I want you to know you are certainly not alone. 

We all have things we are scared to do. Things we believe we are not qualified to participate in; Passions we are afraid to share with others. Moments when we feel we have nothing worthwhile to share.  Thoughts that come into our mind that make us want to believe God cannot use us.

That's not true.  He wants us to seek Him, listen to Him, and obey Him. To be a doer of His Word.

If you are struggling with this, if you think these thoughts at all, I am going to tell you what He keeps telling me this morning, just in case you need to hear it too:

Look to the LORD and His strength, seek his face always.

Psalm 105:4

La Vida Dulce!

Pride: The Root of Many At Home Accidents

Last week I posted about the morning the kids and I washed the cars.

What I didn't post about was how I backed the mini-van into the garage and accidentally hit the side of the house with the passenger rear view mirror, and took out a chunk of stucco.

Here's what happened...

I had backed the car out of the garage, and we began to wash. We washed the drivers side, but the hose in the front yard is kinda short, so I had to pull the car out of the drive, turn it around, and back into the driveway to wash and rinse the passenger side. 

While washing the back end of the van, The Boy noticed the chipped paint and cracked passenger taillight.  He said, "Mom! What did you do?"

To which I replied, "I did not do that, your Dad did." 

"Really?" he says. As if it seemed impossible that his Dad could do such a thing.

"Yes." I say. "Don't you remember taking that camping trip to Tyler State Park when we lived in TX? When your Dad backed up in to the campground and took out a small tree?"

Our mini-van was brand new at the time, and I was VERY grateful that I hadn't been the one to put the first "ding" in it. 

Of course he didn't remember, he was only 5 years old.

"So, for the record," I say, "Your Dad did that. Not me."

That's when we finished washing the van and The Girl suggests washing The Misters car as well.

"Great Idea!" I say, and instruct the kids to stay out of my way while I back the van into the garage so to make room for The Misters car on the driveway.

I was concerned about the kids moving from the spot I had told them to stay, so I was keeping my eye on them, instead of the fact that I was about to plow through the wall of the garage.

Until i heard a huge CCCRRRUUNNNCHHHHH!!!!! sound. I looked to my right and the mirror was all bent backwards and folded over on one edge. 

I do believe that it was at this point when a bad word came out of mouth. 

But I won't repeat it here. 

I put the car in drive and hoped against hope that it wouldn't be as bad as it sounded.

The mirror, with a bit of pink stucco scratches, was none the worse for the wear. 

The house? Well, let's just say that The Mister, who had just crossed the last Household Maintenance Chore off his list, has something new and exciting to learn: Stucco Patching.

When I got out of the car The Boy says, "What did you hit?"

"The house." I say with a resigned and quiet tone.

"Wow! That's much worse than a tree, isn't it?"

Yeah, well, it just might be.

First pride, then the crash— 

   the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.

Proverbs 16:18 (The Message)

The Gambler

Do you remember that old Kenny Rogers song The Gambler?

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em..."

Yes! That's the one.  I knew you'd know it!

Well this weekend The Mister and I made a little wager. 

A $20 wager.

For the record,  I 'm gonna win.  But isn't gonna be easy.

Several weeks ago, in the interest of keeping it real here on the blog, I decided to go on a bloggers limb. I posted this post about my struggle with body image and how I got from there to here. 

Today, when it comes to feeling comfortable in my body and treating it well, I do pretty well. But getting here has been hard...and it didn't happen overnight.

I also don't think this is an issue I will ever be able to wear the "Been There, Done That" t-shirt. It will always be a battle of the mind. I think it's every women's battle to some extent. Especially in today's culture.

A couple weeks ago I read Phillipians 3:19:

Whose end is destruction, whose God is their belly, and whose glory is in their shame, who mind earthly things.)

The author of this verse (Paul) is talking about the "enemies of the cross of Christ". 

This verse struck a chord with me because I am not an enemy of the cross of Christ, but in many ways I feed a god of my own kind: The Scale.

Gone are the days when weighing myself was an compulsive obsession, but I still weigh myself more than I ought. I give way too much thought to a number when that number is not who I am. 

(As a side note, there was a time many years ago that The Mister got rid of our scale, but after about a year I bought a new one.)

I will confess that I still weigh myself several times a week.  Even though I have hovered around the same healthy weight for a long while.

So that's the back story, and it's how The Wager came to be. 

This weekend I was skimming through  The Best Life Diet by Bob Greene.  I'm not reading it to follow his diet plan, but I had heard that there were some tasty, quick and easy recipes in this book that were high in fiber. We have a child with fairly severe  IBS, and keeping up high fiber intake in a 10 year old takes a lot of effort. I needed some ideas.

One of Bob's non-food related recommendations is that you get off the scale. In fact he encourages his diet plan participants to step on the scale to get a starting weight; then step off for a full month.

After considering this idea for a couple of days I shared the excerpt with The Mister and asked if he thought I could do it: Go a whole month without weighing myself.

He smiled, did a cute little chuckle like he was contemplating his answer, and surprised me when he said, "No."

So I bet him twenty bucks that I could.

We both walked to the bathroom and I weighed myself one last time. Then I put the scale away, and we shook hands and sealed our deal with a kiss.

I won't weigh again until July 1, 2008.

I am not sure if I will post much about this, but I might. Especially when I am already surprised about how much I think about weighing myself. 

It was my second thought this morning (coming after my first thought, which was "I need coffee.") 

I bet I spend more time thinking about this than I realize. 

When it comes to the scale, I think it is a great tool. I have a 5 pound spectrum that I know is a good weight for me. I highly doubt I will over-reach the top end of that spectrum in a month. But even if I do, when it comes to the scale, it's there to serve me, not to serve it. 

When a number dictated by a small white box takes my focus from more important matters, "You gotta know when to walk away, and know when to run."

Listening...

One of the great things about our trip to the mountains was the ability to have some long periods of quiet.

A couple days before the trip a dear friend called me up and asked me to pray about a ministry project we might work on together.

I told her that I would pray about it. 

I began to pray about it that first Sunday morning while at the ranch.  

I always start my morning time with writing. I have a journal and I write while I wait for the coffee to kick in.  Normally I write my prayers for my family and close friends. Then I read my devotional (you can see the one I am currently reading in the side bar), and then, if I still have some time, I will read some more.

Nothing is more fantastic for me than the opportunity to start my morning with coffee, the bible and being outside.  There is something so very, well, natural, about being outdoors.

So, that early Sunday morning  I sat out on the deck (it was a little bit cold), with the hummingbirds buzzing about and I began to write about this idea my friend had suggested. I prayed that God would speak to me; that He would give me direction; that He would prepare me for whatever he might have me do. I prayed for direction in this situation (or any other that might be around the bend.)  I closed my journaling time with this last paragraph:

Oh! The birds are so happy this morning, talking and flying, and making such a ruckus! The sun is fully up now, and it feels so very good. Thank you. Lord, open your word to me this morning. Direct me to what I need to know, or study, or to live. Help me to hear and see. I desire to know you more.

I closed my journal and opened my devotional, which told me to go to Matthew 3:16-17. 

However, with my early morning not-quite-caffeinated brain, I found myself in Matthew 13: 16- 17:

But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. For I tell you the truth, many prophets and righteous men longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it

Suddenly I was very, very, awake!  Having just asked to "hear and see" I thought these verses might be worth looking at again. 

I knew that I needed to figure out why in the world I would find myself in these verses, when I had just asked for answers to prayer.

Ca-winky-dink? 

Maybe.

But I don't think so.

I think if we take these verses in context with what's happening in the chapter we see Christ talking in parables. He is wanting to those around Him to be teachable, to think. 

The verses in Matt 13:16-17 aren't so much saying, "Can you hear me?", as much as they are saying, "Will you listen? Will you be teachable? Will you really open your eyes to me? Will you put your spiritual hearing aides in and really hear what I want you to know."

I think this verse is saying that spiritual desire is highly sought, but even prophets and righteous men can fall victims to hardened hearts; to loosing sight; to hearing loss.

I felt the Lord whisper to me: If I start you on this project Kellie, will you be teachable?

At this point I decided to look up verses in scripture that had to do with being teachable. Many of them had to do with the apostles as they were being taught by Christ. To be teachable (in the few verses I read) looked like this: to actively and consistently seek the Lord; to ask Him questions; to be quiet, so as to hear the answers; and then to do what He says. 

That is being teachable.

I know I am bouncing all over the place, but stick with me here...

I started to think about what keeps me from being teachable. It's not that I don't want to learn. It's not that I don't want to know the Lord more.  It's not even that I don't actively seek Him. 

It's that I am distracted.  It's because I often allow pride to keep me from being teachable. It's because taking time to listen doesn't take priority.

Then, suddenly, while sitting under the new morning sun, I remembered a story about my grandmother.

Grandma Maude just turned 90. About 5 years ago my mother took her to the audiologist because she knew that Grandma Maude was losing her hearing. However, Grandma Maude wasn't going to admit that she couldn't hear because "only old people wear hearing aides".

The audiologist told my Mom and Grandma Maude that the funny thing about losing your hearing is that the brain will forget the meaning, or even the existence, of words if they are not actively heard.  If you do not hear, you forget; you decline. As a result it was imperative that Grandma Maude wear her hearing aides.

I don't know if it was pride about aging or how they would look, or if she really didn't think she had a problem, but Grandma Maude couldn't bring her self to wear them.  No matter how much my parents cajoled, or nagged, or asked, or yelled (as in talking loudly in conversation to be heard) she refused to wear the aides. Still does.

Unfortunately, without hearing, the mind slowly deteriorates. When the mind begins to decline, the body soon follows.  What the audiologist told her was true. We've watched it happen with Grandma Maude. Her later years may have been a lot brighter if only she wouldn't have gotten in the way of herself.  

If only she would've been teachable; had made the choice to hear...

And this is what I think the Lord was asking me to do on that cool Sunday morning: To make the decision to wear my spiritual hearing aides. So that I will not forget.

This world is a noisy place. I blog and text, ring and buzz. There are movies and Tivo's and nights on the town. There's groceries to buy and projects to do. There are magazines, and books and podcasts. I could go on and on. It's incredibly fun and fufilling, but the noises in my day lure me to a place where I can no longer hear the One Thing I desire the most.

Without taking the time to be quiet and listen, it isn't long before my vision starts to fade. I begin to see "things" as more lovely than He who gave me vision. I begin to see myself, my time, my way as more important than the things I am called to do. 

Today is the first day of summer vacation. I have deliberately set a light schedule for the kids and I, so that I might have time to do some writing, some thinking (yes, definitely some playing!), but more importantly some listening.  

~Proverbs 19:27~

If you quit listening, dear child, 

and strike off on your own, 
   you'll soon be out of your depth.

Holding Fast

I have been sitting on a few things that I wanted to write about, mostly because I didn't have any idea on what I needed to say, but today I know.

So here it is...

Last week I was reading my bible, and drinking coffee of course, and I read this verse in Joshua 22:5-

Love the Lord your God, 

walk in all His ways, obey His command,

hold fast to Him and serve Him

with all your heart and soul.

Although I am fairly familiar with this verse, I felt that I needed to write it down in my journal. Ii wasn't sure why.

I was taken with the words hold fast. Hold fast to Him.  

I thought maybe it had to do with an opportunity that came several weeks ago.  

Mrs. Moofish and I were given an opportunity to do some ministry together for the Women's Group at her church, and I was up to my eyeballs in preparation to speak to this group.  It's a seven week study on biblical womanhood. The first night I would talk about what it means to be a Christian woman in today's society. We would be looking at Psalm 84 and see, first hand, how the Christian life was meant to be a journey. One that we have to commit to, lest the distractions of the world steal our focus from the Lord, and place it on areas that seem more attractive. 

When I read the verse in Joshua, I felt God was trying to get my attention, but why? Was it to hold fast as I got ready to teach? Perhaps in preparation, to encourage someone else to hold fast? (Isn't it funny when we hear a word from God, and we assume it's meant for someone else?)

Monday morning of this week, I woke up anxious. It would be the first night back in ministry   since we moved from North Carolina.  I had a lot to do on Monday but I knew if I didn't take 10 minutes to be with the Lord in prayer, things would only get worse.  It was almost 1:00pm before I had the opportunity to do so, but when I opened my bible, to read further into Joshua, I read this:

But you are to hold fast to the Lord your God, 

as you have until now.

 Joshua 23:8 (emphasis mine)

Uh, hello? There was my answer.  

I still felt anxious, but I felt better. What I didn't realize was this verse was not meant for that day, but for the days that were to come.

Mrs. Moofish and I facilitated our first Bible Study night together, and things went well. As we locked the church doors and drove home, we were very excited, and wound up, and slightly heady from all the nerves we carried throughout the day.  

Although I was exhausted, I didn't sleep well, and on Tuesday morning I was tired. Later that evening I felt unsettled and grouchy. 

Tuesday night sleep felt like it never came. 

On Wednesday, I found myself entertaining old, and ugly thoughts.  The Mister calls it "Stinkin' Thinkin'. I knew something was up. 

About 7 years ago I was dealing (very poorly) with some old issues in my life, and as a result I lost a significant amount of weight. 

On purpose. 

It hadn't been the first time I had done this, but it was the first time it had become visible enough to really concern those around me. This time it was more critical, because not only did I have a family to care for, but I was also getting pretty involved in the women's ministry at our church.  I had responsibilities. 

This problem in my life was a symptom of other issues. I guess I could say I was trying to take control of things or situations that felt out of control, but I really believe that it was much more than that. When this happened I was very happy, had two beautiful babies, a loving husband and all the stuff thats useful for living a productive, happy,  American life.  Things were all very well, and good. Except my head was filled with false thoughts I chose to believe were true.  

I was believing crazy things that a rational, well fed mind, don't believe. Like, unless I worked out for a certain amount of time, then my entire life would be ruined.

I also believed crazy things that we all experience in the day to day life of a media fueled culture: that thinner is better; that being fit means you are a well organized, disciplined person, who has her life put-together; that all those things combined make you like-able; make you good.  Perfect.

You know what? These things? In and of themselves, are good things. But, they don't define who we are.

God does. So hold tight, hold fast. 

And I am mostly talking to myself.

Why I am sharing this detail about myself in all this internet glory?  I am not really sure. But I do know this: I am not one who blames satan for hangnails, and everything that goes wrong in life, but I do believe he is our enemy. An enemy who is ready, and willing, to distract us from the deep and abiding water of life that is God! 

The Lord and I, with the help of some excellent Christian counselors, and the support of family and friends, have worked through some amazing issues in my life. I have felt fairly free from the old habits of wanting to be super thin (give or take some hormonal moments!) for almost three years now.

Today I feel strong, and healthy! I eat normally, with the exception that I eat frequently! And I do this, for the most part, without guilt, or obsessiveness.

This week the enemy tried to get me to believe that I was still a slave in a field that I don't want to walk in anymore.  And that makes me mad! 

I am still consciences about how I fuel and care for my body, but I am no longer a slave to the numbers, to the outward appearance. I no longer believe the lie that those things will make me happy, fulfilled, and good.   This was not an over-night process. It took years, and I still have to work through things from time to time. But the struggle isn't what it used to be. 

I am no longer a slave. I am free. 

This morning, after days of cloudy thinking, I woke up ready to fight! I have worked too hard to just "mosey on in" to that stronghold again.

When I opened my eyes this morning I remembered to hold fast.  If I am going to be really honest, then I must tell you that this morning I sort of grabbed on in obedience. I grabbed on because I knew I really hadn't any other choice.  And right now at 1:00 pm Friday afternoon, I literally feel the "weight" sliding off my back. There is NOTHING heavier than believing something that isn't true.  

We can hold on to Him! We don't have to believe things that aren't true about us. We are who God says we are.  When we hold fast to God we don't have far to look when we have lost sight of the truth!

Many of you reading this now, probably know all this already. But just in case you don't, take it from someone who's been there. God cares for you. Hold fast to Him. It doesn't matter what you look like, or what you struggle with, or how unworthy you feel. He cares for you. 

Don't you believe otherwise...

~La Vida Dulce!