Have you ever had one of those moments in time, when you knew that things were happening just as they should? When you realized that things were happening that you never could have orchestrated on your own? Yet you doubted still?
Yesterday (and really the last week) was one of those times.
Yesterday I stepped way out of my comfort zone.
I had the opportunity to meet an author of a book I read several years ago that was instrumental in my spiritual and physical life. She was in Scottsdale on business, and through a series of events (that I will talk more about on Monday) we found ourselves sitting in a Chipotle talking about life.
The funny thing is that it was completely out of my character to make a very long drive to meet someone I have never spoken to. But when she invited me to meet for coffee last week, I knew I hadn't a choice but to go. I knew that that meeting had to take place, even though there was fear (on my part) in the meeting.
I was nervous about the logistics of how our meeting would take place. I was nervous about making it to the office on time. I was nervous about meeting this gal. I was nervous about driving on my own, to a city I do not know. I was nervous about what we would talk about. I was nervous.
No, I was anxious.
Honestly, while being excited for this opportunity, I was praying that God would release me from this responsibility.
Ambivalence is such a paralyzing and exhausting thing.
Tuesday morning during my quiet time I realized that I needed to trust God with the details, and do what I normally do: Be who I am.
I was prayer journaling, writing out every concern. Asking God for His peace, but also for the strength to wait. I also confessed my ambivalence, and my selfish desire to respond only to things He asks me to do that are convenient, or that allow me to be seen in a favorable light! I wrote of my great excitement, and my foreboding nerves. I confessed my hope in the meeting, and the hope that we might not meet.
I opened my bible and found myself in Isaiah 55:22
"so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;"
So pretty much this is what I felt the Lord speak to my heart that morning:
You think you're in control. Your not.
I have asked you to go. You will go.
I have plans. You will accomplish those plans, in My strength.
I will lead you in peace. You will follow.
I have worked big things in your life, you have reason to trust Me.
You don't have to worry about what comes of this, because it's not really up to you.
You'll meet with this gal, and tell her that you are interested in being apart of her work:
Tell her: "Next week or next year."
Ask her to keep you in mind.
You will chat. You will come home.
You.
Will.
Wait.
If this sounds harsh to you, let me assure you it wasn't. Sometimes Truth can appear harsh, but it really makes life easier.
I went to Scottsdale. I wish I could tell you I wasn't a bundle of nerves. I wish I could tell you that I went in complete peace. But peace isn't about the absence of nervousness. It's about knowing that sometimes doing what God asks you to do feels risky, but when He's involved You can rest in this truth: obedience brings blessing and strength (Duet 11:8).
Maybe next week. Maybe next year.
The meeting went well. I thought it was positive. Of course, I spent a good portion of the ride home thinking of all the things I should have said; all the things I wish I hadn't said. I felt a little uncomfortable talking about myself...not in the moment, but in the time afterward.
It's in that doubtful place that I find myself this morning. Often times, when I share a part of myself with another person, I find myself doubting the next day. I know that this is a normal part of relational risk. That's why I am so grateful that God didn't just leave me with that verse in Isaiah. In my quiet time on Wednesday I read this last line in my current devotional (written by Beth Moore) that I feel was definitely written for me in that moment:
Persevere doer of the Word. A harvest is coming.
I am incredibly grateful for yesterday. Meeting others who are passionate about the work the Lord has called them to is inspiring, motivating and exciting. My heart stirs just thinking about it. I looking forward to telling you more about it next week.
I am sharing this with you because I know there are times in life when it seems easier to avoid doing what God asks us to do: To pretend we don't hear and look the other way. I want you to know you are certainly not alone.
We all have things we are scared to do. Things we believe we are not qualified to participate in; Passions we are afraid to share with others. Moments when we feel we have nothing worthwhile to share. Thoughts that come into our mind that make us want to believe God cannot use us.
That's not true. He wants us to seek Him, listen to Him, and obey Him. To be a doer of His Word.
If you are struggling with this, if you think these thoughts at all, I am going to tell you what He keeps telling me this morning, just in case you need to hear it too:
Look to the LORD and His strength, seek his face always.
La Vida Dulce!
