Friday, June 27, 2008

Maybe Next Week. Maybe Next Year.

Have you ever had one of those moments in time, when you knew that things were happening just as they should? When you realized that things were happening that you never could have orchestrated on your own? Yet you doubted still?

Yesterday (and really the last week) was one of those times.  

Yesterday I stepped way out of my comfort zone. 

I had the opportunity to meet an author of a book I read several years ago that was instrumental in my spiritual and physical life. She was in Scottsdale on business, and through a series of events (that I will talk more about on Monday) we found ourselves sitting in a Chipotle talking about life. 

The funny thing is that it was completely out of my character to make a very long drive to meet someone I have never spoken to. But when she invited me to meet for coffee last week, I knew I hadn't a choice but to go. I knew that that meeting had to take place, even though there was fear (on my part) in the meeting. 

I was nervous about the logistics of how our meeting would take place. I was nervous about making it to the office on time. I was nervous about meeting this gal. I was nervous about driving on my own, to a city I do not know. I was nervous about what we would talk about. I was nervous. 

No, I was anxious

Honestly, while being excited for this opportunity, I was praying that God would release me from this responsibility. 

Ambivalence is such a paralyzing and exhausting thing.

Tuesday morning during my quiet time I realized that I needed to trust God with the details, and do what I normally do: Be who I am.

I was prayer journaling, writing out every concern.  Asking  God for His peace, but also for the strength to wait.  I also confessed my ambivalence, and my selfish desire to respond only to things He asks me to do that are convenient, or that allow me to be seen in a favorable light! I wrote of my great excitement, and my foreboding nerves. I confessed my hope in the meeting, and the hope that we might not meet. 

I opened my bible and found myself in Isaiah 55:22

"so is my word that goes out from my mouth: 
       It will not return to me empty, 
       but will accomplish what I desire 
       and achieve the purpose for which I sent it

 You will go out in joy 
   and be led forth in peace;"

So pretty much this is what I felt the Lord speak to my heart that morning:

You think you're in control. Your not. 
I have asked you to go. You will go. 
I have plans. You will accomplish those plans, in My strength. 
I will lead you in peace. You will follow. 
I have worked big things in your life, you have reason to trust Me. 
You don't have to worry about what comes of this, because it's not really up to you. 
You'll meet with this gal, and tell her that you are interested in being apart of her work:
Tell her: "Next week or next year." 
Ask her to keep you in mind.
You will chat. You will come home. 

If this sounds harsh to you, let me assure you it wasn't. Sometimes Truth can appear harsh, but it really makes life easier.

I went to Scottsdale. I wish I could tell you I wasn't a bundle of nerves. I wish I could tell you that I went in complete peace. But peace isn't about the absence of nervousness. It's about knowing that sometimes doing what God asks you to do feels risky, but when He's involved You can rest in this truth: obedience brings blessing and strength (Duet 11:8). 

Maybe next week. Maybe next year.

The meeting went well. I thought it was positive. Of course, I spent a good portion of the ride home thinking of all the things I should have said; all the things I wish I hadn't said. I felt a little uncomfortable talking about myself...not in the moment, but in the time afterward.

It's in that doubtful place that I find myself this morning. Often times, when I share a part of myself with another person, I find myself doubting the next day.  I know that this is a normal part of relational risk. That's why I am so grateful that God didn't just leave me with that verse in Isaiah. In my quiet time on Wednesday I read this last line in my current devotional (written by Beth Moore) that I feel was definitely written for me in that moment:

Persevere doer of the Word. A harvest is coming.

I am incredibly grateful for yesterday. Meeting others who are passionate about the work the Lord has called them to is inspiring, motivating and exciting. My heart stirs just thinking about it. I looking forward to telling you more about it next week. 

I am sharing this with you because I know there are times in life when it seems easier to avoid doing what God asks us to do: To pretend we don't hear and look the other way. I want you to know you are certainly not alone. 

We all have things we are scared to do. Things we believe we are not qualified to participate in; Passions we are afraid to share with others. Moments when we feel we have nothing worthwhile to share.  Thoughts that come into our mind that make us want to believe God cannot use us.

That's not true.  He wants us to seek Him, listen to Him, and obey Him. To be a doer of His Word.

If you are struggling with this, if you think these thoughts at all, I am going to tell you what He keeps telling me this morning, just in case you need to hear it too:

Look to the LORD and His strength, seek his face always.

La Vida Dulce!


Beth said...

Wow! Loved hearing your heart. Thanks for sharing so genuinely. It certainly spoke to me and encouraged me today--reminding me to wait on Him, especially regarding Hannah's health.
(P.S. Which Beth Moore devotional is it you had read on Wednesday?)

Tiffani Long said...

Gosh, isn't that what we do sometimes?? doubt, anxiety--especially when we do share ourselves...but that's why I LOVE's so easy to see ourselves in other people and know that we aren't alone (I just posted about this this morning)...I am praying that you will continue to be excited about the harvest, Kellie and thank you for sharing!

Fuller Family said...

So true...I do that to myself, too. It is hard to make yourself vulnerable to someone and then question...did I say too much? or too little? did she understand what I meant? I do that to myself at times...
Thanks for sharing about your obedience...look forward to hearing the rest of the story!

Lisa said...

I absolutely know why my sister loves you so much! I love reading your blog. I read it all the time. Kellie you are an inspiration to me and an encouragement to me all the time! I want you to know that. My husband and I are on the brink of divorce and hearing you talk about "the mister" gives me hope. You are a beautiful soul. I only met you once, and had the priviledge of giving you a "do" but I feel like I know you so well just from your words. Keep writing! You have a gift girl!

Kellie said...

Oh Lisa!

I am so sorry to hear about the situation with your husband. I know that God has a plan for you, and you family, even when it's hard to believe that.

Sweet friend, hang in there. I know that your sister and family love you so very much. You are not alone!

With much love,

Megan O. said...

Wow, Kellie. Thanks so much for sharing this. I was actually nodding my head and saying, "uh huh" out loud as I read. Sometimes writing these types of lessons out feels so daunting and I don't end up doing it but I'm so glad you did today because I needed to hear it.

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said... are speaking DIRECTLY to me with this. Wow. In fact, I have a post that has been swirling around in my head for awhile now,along the same lines, but I couldn't seem to get it to come together. Reading this has brought clarity to my heart. So glad you chose obedience, even when it wasn't the easy thing to do. Isn't it awesome that He is using you?

Kellie said...

Friend, write that post! I can't wait to read it.

Michele said...

Kellie - thank you so much for sharing your heart. I love how you said that peace wasn't about the absence of nervousness but with going forward with what God has called you to do in His strength. Waiting is so tough - isn't it? Especially when pretty much our whole lives we can pretty much have everything right there at our disposal. I can't wait to hear more about your meeting next week. I will be praying for you.

Blue Skies said...

so cryptic..... I'm on the edge of my seat!! Thank you for sharing what's going on in your heart lately. I have no doubt God is (and has been) equipping you for some wonderful things. I'll keep you in my prayers too.

The Glamorous WAHM said...

I too struggle with giving things to the Lord and then taking them right back! Praise God for His patience and His love for His children. Waiting is sooooooo hard. God bless you and I pray you always find His favor!

Janel@Dandelion Dayz said...

I really needed that right now. It really is like you are in my head!

Thanks for sharing and I can't wait to read more on Monday. What was the book? I hope you tell then!

Carrie said...

Thank you so much for your encouraging words on my blog. It is exactly what I needed to hear.

You have already shown me much encouragment. Thank you for sharing your anxiety and how you went close to God and how he used his word to encourage you. I can already tell that you are an amazing woman of God and your stories of life are great to read.

Janel@Dandelion Dayz said...

Hey there!
I passed along an award to you today.

Check it out here

jen said...

Ooooooooooooooh - I can't wait to hear more! It is wonderful to hear what God is speaking to your heart; thank you for your transparency!

Tiffani Long said...

I just had to say thanks for the blogging encouragement....I am perfectly content with my blogging progress and I can't wait until I do finally decide to get an amazing design....and hopefully your pics will make it into an album before too long :)...album, not art.... :)

meh said...

You nailed it! In several areas. But I think my favorite quote personally was the part about only wanting to respond to God's voice when it is convenient. (: It makes me smile a little self conciously as I type this because I know very well my own heart struggles with the same issue more then I would like.

Anonymous said...

I love these little moments during my day where I get to peer into the heart of a friend and see what God is doing. I'm excited for you, and so thankful for His faithfulness to continue to draw you to himself.

Wendi said...

I loved the way you articulated this. I just found you today from Jackie@our moments our memories. I'm so glad she linked to you. So encouraging!