Maybe Next Week. Maybe Next Year.

Have you ever had one of those moments in time, when you knew that things were happening just as they should? When you realized that things were happening that you never could have orchestrated on your own? Yet you doubted still?

Yesterday (and really the last week) was one of those times.  

Yesterday I stepped way out of my comfort zone. 

I had the opportunity to meet an author of a book I read several years ago that was instrumental in my spiritual and physical life. She was in Scottsdale on business, and through a series of events (that I will talk more about on Monday) we found ourselves sitting in a Chipotle talking about life. 

The funny thing is that it was completely out of my character to make a very long drive to meet someone I have never spoken to. But when she invited me to meet for coffee last week, I knew I hadn't a choice but to go. I knew that that meeting had to take place, even though there was fear (on my part) in the meeting. 

I was nervous about the logistics of how our meeting would take place. I was nervous about making it to the office on time. I was nervous about meeting this gal. I was nervous about driving on my own, to a city I do not know. I was nervous about what we would talk about. I was nervous. 

No, I was anxious. 

Honestly, while being excited for this opportunity, I was praying that God would release me from this responsibility. 

Ambivalence is such a paralyzing and exhausting thing.

Tuesday morning during my quiet time I realized that I needed to trust God with the details, and do what I normally do: Be who I am.

I was prayer journaling, writing out every concern.  Asking  God for His peace, but also for the strength to wait.  I also confessed my ambivalence, and my selfish desire to respond only to things He asks me to do that are convenient, or that allow me to be seen in a favorable light! I wrote of my great excitement, and my foreboding nerves. I confessed my hope in the meeting, and the hope that we might not meet. 

I opened my bible and found myself in Isaiah 55:22

"so is my word that goes out from my mouth: 
       It will not return to me empty, 
       but will accomplish what I desire 
       and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

 You will go out in joy 
   and be led forth in peace;"

So pretty much this is what I felt the Lord speak to my heart that morning:

You think you're in control. Your not. 

I have asked you to go. You will go. 

I have plans. You will accomplish those plans, in My strength. 

I will lead you in peace. You will follow. 

I have worked big things in your life, you have reason to trust Me. 

You don't have to worry about what comes of this, because it's not really up to you. 

You'll meet with this gal, and tell her that you are interested in being apart of her work:

Tell her: "Next week or next year." 

Ask her to keep you in mind.

You will chat. You will come home. 

You. 

Will. 

Wait. 

If this sounds harsh to you, let me assure you it wasn't. Sometimes Truth can appear harsh, but it really makes life easier.

I went to Scottsdale. I wish I could tell you I wasn't a bundle of nerves. I wish I could tell you that I went in complete peace. But peace isn't about the absence of nervousness. It's about knowing that sometimes doing what God asks you to do feels risky, but when He's involved You can rest in this truth: obedience brings blessing and strength (Duet 11:8). 

Maybe next week. Maybe next year.

The meeting went well. I thought it was positive. Of course, I spent a good portion of the ride home thinking of all the things I should have said; all the things I wish I hadn't said. I felt a little uncomfortable talking about myself...not in the moment, but in the time afterward.

It's in that doubtful place that I find myself this morning. Often times, when I share a part of myself with another person, I find myself doubting the next day.  I know that this is a normal part of relational risk. That's why I am so grateful that God didn't just leave me with that verse in Isaiah. In my quiet time on Wednesday I read this last line in my current devotional (written by Beth Moore) that I feel was definitely written for me in that moment:

Persevere doer of the Word. A harvest is coming.

I am incredibly grateful for yesterday. Meeting others who are passionate about the work the Lord has called them to is inspiring, motivating and exciting. My heart stirs just thinking about it. I looking forward to telling you more about it next week. 

I am sharing this with you because I know there are times in life when it seems easier to avoid doing what God asks us to do: To pretend we don't hear and look the other way. I want you to know you are certainly not alone. 

We all have things we are scared to do. Things we believe we are not qualified to participate in; Passions we are afraid to share with others. Moments when we feel we have nothing worthwhile to share.  Thoughts that come into our mind that make us want to believe God cannot use us.

That's not true.  He wants us to seek Him, listen to Him, and obey Him. To be a doer of His Word.

If you are struggling with this, if you think these thoughts at all, I am going to tell you what He keeps telling me this morning, just in case you need to hear it too:

Look to the LORD and His strength, seek his face always.

Psalm 105:4

La Vida Dulce!

Listening...

One of the great things about our trip to the mountains was the ability to have some long periods of quiet.

A couple days before the trip a dear friend called me up and asked me to pray about a ministry project we might work on together.

I told her that I would pray about it. 

I began to pray about it that first Sunday morning while at the ranch.  

I always start my morning time with writing. I have a journal and I write while I wait for the coffee to kick in.  Normally I write my prayers for my family and close friends. Then I read my devotional (you can see the one I am currently reading in the side bar), and then, if I still have some time, I will read some more.

Nothing is more fantastic for me than the opportunity to start my morning with coffee, the bible and being outside.  There is something so very, well, natural, about being outdoors.

So, that early Sunday morning  I sat out on the deck (it was a little bit cold), with the hummingbirds buzzing about and I began to write about this idea my friend had suggested. I prayed that God would speak to me; that He would give me direction; that He would prepare me for whatever he might have me do. I prayed for direction in this situation (or any other that might be around the bend.)  I closed my journaling time with this last paragraph:

Oh! The birds are so happy this morning, talking and flying, and making such a ruckus! The sun is fully up now, and it feels so very good. Thank you. Lord, open your word to me this morning. Direct me to what I need to know, or study, or to live. Help me to hear and see. I desire to know you more.

I closed my journal and opened my devotional, which told me to go to Matthew 3:16-17. 

However, with my early morning not-quite-caffeinated brain, I found myself in Matthew 13: 16- 17:

But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. For I tell you the truth, many prophets and righteous men longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it

Suddenly I was very, very, awake!  Having just asked to "hear and see" I thought these verses might be worth looking at again. 

I knew that I needed to figure out why in the world I would find myself in these verses, when I had just asked for answers to prayer.

Ca-winky-dink? 

Maybe.

But I don't think so.

I think if we take these verses in context with what's happening in the chapter we see Christ talking in parables. He is wanting to those around Him to be teachable, to think. 

The verses in Matt 13:16-17 aren't so much saying, "Can you hear me?", as much as they are saying, "Will you listen? Will you be teachable? Will you really open your eyes to me? Will you put your spiritual hearing aides in and really hear what I want you to know."

I think this verse is saying that spiritual desire is highly sought, but even prophets and righteous men can fall victims to hardened hearts; to loosing sight; to hearing loss.

I felt the Lord whisper to me: If I start you on this project Kellie, will you be teachable?

At this point I decided to look up verses in scripture that had to do with being teachable. Many of them had to do with the apostles as they were being taught by Christ. To be teachable (in the few verses I read) looked like this: to actively and consistently seek the Lord; to ask Him questions; to be quiet, so as to hear the answers; and then to do what He says. 

That is being teachable.

I know I am bouncing all over the place, but stick with me here...

I started to think about what keeps me from being teachable. It's not that I don't want to learn. It's not that I don't want to know the Lord more.  It's not even that I don't actively seek Him. 

It's that I am distracted.  It's because I often allow pride to keep me from being teachable. It's because taking time to listen doesn't take priority.

Then, suddenly, while sitting under the new morning sun, I remembered a story about my grandmother.

Grandma Maude just turned 90. About 5 years ago my mother took her to the audiologist because she knew that Grandma Maude was losing her hearing. However, Grandma Maude wasn't going to admit that she couldn't hear because "only old people wear hearing aides".

The audiologist told my Mom and Grandma Maude that the funny thing about losing your hearing is that the brain will forget the meaning, or even the existence, of words if they are not actively heard.  If you do not hear, you forget; you decline. As a result it was imperative that Grandma Maude wear her hearing aides.

I don't know if it was pride about aging or how they would look, or if she really didn't think she had a problem, but Grandma Maude couldn't bring her self to wear them.  No matter how much my parents cajoled, or nagged, or asked, or yelled (as in talking loudly in conversation to be heard) she refused to wear the aides. Still does.

Unfortunately, without hearing, the mind slowly deteriorates. When the mind begins to decline, the body soon follows.  What the audiologist told her was true. We've watched it happen with Grandma Maude. Her later years may have been a lot brighter if only she wouldn't have gotten in the way of herself.  

If only she would've been teachable; had made the choice to hear...

And this is what I think the Lord was asking me to do on that cool Sunday morning: To make the decision to wear my spiritual hearing aides. So that I will not forget.

This world is a noisy place. I blog and text, ring and buzz. There are movies and Tivo's and nights on the town. There's groceries to buy and projects to do. There are magazines, and books and podcasts. I could go on and on. It's incredibly fun and fufilling, but the noises in my day lure me to a place where I can no longer hear the One Thing I desire the most.

Without taking the time to be quiet and listen, it isn't long before my vision starts to fade. I begin to see "things" as more lovely than He who gave me vision. I begin to see myself, my time, my way as more important than the things I am called to do. 

Today is the first day of summer vacation. I have deliberately set a light schedule for the kids and I, so that I might have time to do some writing, some thinking (yes, definitely some playing!), but more importantly some listening.  

~Proverbs 19:27~

If you quit listening, dear child, 

and strike off on your own, 
   you'll soon be out of your depth.