Listening...

One of the great things about our trip to the mountains was the ability to have some long periods of quiet.

A couple days before the trip a dear friend called me up and asked me to pray about a ministry project we might work on together.

I told her that I would pray about it. 

I began to pray about it that first Sunday morning while at the ranch.  

I always start my morning time with writing. I have a journal and I write while I wait for the coffee to kick in.  Normally I write my prayers for my family and close friends. Then I read my devotional (you can see the one I am currently reading in the side bar), and then, if I still have some time, I will read some more.

Nothing is more fantastic for me than the opportunity to start my morning with coffee, the bible and being outside.  There is something so very, well, natural, about being outdoors.

So, that early Sunday morning  I sat out on the deck (it was a little bit cold), with the hummingbirds buzzing about and I began to write about this idea my friend had suggested. I prayed that God would speak to me; that He would give me direction; that He would prepare me for whatever he might have me do. I prayed for direction in this situation (or any other that might be around the bend.)  I closed my journaling time with this last paragraph:

Oh! The birds are so happy this morning, talking and flying, and making such a ruckus! The sun is fully up now, and it feels so very good. Thank you. Lord, open your word to me this morning. Direct me to what I need to know, or study, or to live. Help me to hear and see. I desire to know you more.

I closed my journal and opened my devotional, which told me to go to Matthew 3:16-17. 

However, with my early morning not-quite-caffeinated brain, I found myself in Matthew 13: 16- 17:

But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. For I tell you the truth, many prophets and righteous men longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it

Suddenly I was very, very, awake!  Having just asked to "hear and see" I thought these verses might be worth looking at again. 

I knew that I needed to figure out why in the world I would find myself in these verses, when I had just asked for answers to prayer.

Ca-winky-dink? 

Maybe.

But I don't think so.

I think if we take these verses in context with what's happening in the chapter we see Christ talking in parables. He is wanting to those around Him to be teachable, to think. 

The verses in Matt 13:16-17 aren't so much saying, "Can you hear me?", as much as they are saying, "Will you listen? Will you be teachable? Will you really open your eyes to me? Will you put your spiritual hearing aides in and really hear what I want you to know."

I think this verse is saying that spiritual desire is highly sought, but even prophets and righteous men can fall victims to hardened hearts; to loosing sight; to hearing loss.

I felt the Lord whisper to me: If I start you on this project Kellie, will you be teachable?

At this point I decided to look up verses in scripture that had to do with being teachable. Many of them had to do with the apostles as they were being taught by Christ. To be teachable (in the few verses I read) looked like this: to actively and consistently seek the Lord; to ask Him questions; to be quiet, so as to hear the answers; and then to do what He says. 

That is being teachable.

I know I am bouncing all over the place, but stick with me here...

I started to think about what keeps me from being teachable. It's not that I don't want to learn. It's not that I don't want to know the Lord more.  It's not even that I don't actively seek Him. 

It's that I am distracted.  It's because I often allow pride to keep me from being teachable. It's because taking time to listen doesn't take priority.

Then, suddenly, while sitting under the new morning sun, I remembered a story about my grandmother.

Grandma Maude just turned 90. About 5 years ago my mother took her to the audiologist because she knew that Grandma Maude was losing her hearing. However, Grandma Maude wasn't going to admit that she couldn't hear because "only old people wear hearing aides".

The audiologist told my Mom and Grandma Maude that the funny thing about losing your hearing is that the brain will forget the meaning, or even the existence, of words if they are not actively heard.  If you do not hear, you forget; you decline. As a result it was imperative that Grandma Maude wear her hearing aides.

I don't know if it was pride about aging or how they would look, or if she really didn't think she had a problem, but Grandma Maude couldn't bring her self to wear them.  No matter how much my parents cajoled, or nagged, or asked, or yelled (as in talking loudly in conversation to be heard) she refused to wear the aides. Still does.

Unfortunately, without hearing, the mind slowly deteriorates. When the mind begins to decline, the body soon follows.  What the audiologist told her was true. We've watched it happen with Grandma Maude. Her later years may have been a lot brighter if only she wouldn't have gotten in the way of herself.  

If only she would've been teachable; had made the choice to hear...

And this is what I think the Lord was asking me to do on that cool Sunday morning: To make the decision to wear my spiritual hearing aides. So that I will not forget.

This world is a noisy place. I blog and text, ring and buzz. There are movies and Tivo's and nights on the town. There's groceries to buy and projects to do. There are magazines, and books and podcasts. I could go on and on. It's incredibly fun and fufilling, but the noises in my day lure me to a place where I can no longer hear the One Thing I desire the most.

Without taking the time to be quiet and listen, it isn't long before my vision starts to fade. I begin to see "things" as more lovely than He who gave me vision. I begin to see myself, my time, my way as more important than the things I am called to do. 

Today is the first day of summer vacation. I have deliberately set a light schedule for the kids and I, so that I might have time to do some writing, some thinking (yes, definitely some playing!), but more importantly some listening.  

~Proverbs 19:27~

If you quit listening, dear child, 

and strike off on your own, 
   you'll soon be out of your depth.

Avoiding "The Wedge"

I mentioned several weeks ago that Mrs. Moofish and I have been co-leading a weekly bible study together. Last night I taught on the Faith of the Canaanite Women.

This was a study I put together years ago, as part of a class on how to study the bible for the purpose of teaching. 

This is the third time I have had the opportunity to teach it. What amazes me is that each time I study this little, seven verse, story, I learn something completely new.

I was also amazed at God's timing. 'Cuz out of the 12 gals who showed up last night, no one needed this lesson more than I.

If you are not familiar with this story, you can find it here. 

To write out the complete lesson would take up way too much time, so I will start with my opening statement: 

How do we keep our life circumstances from placing a wedge between who we are (God's children) and what we need (Christ and His healing)?

This faithful women is a Canaanite, despised by the Jews. Coming from a society that loves all the wrong things. She has a daughter who is sick beyond any illness or disease we can imagine. She is demon possessed. This child's mother knows that all these things work against her, but she also knows the only hope she and her daughter have is Christ, the King of the Jews. 

She knows Whom she is seeking. She has watched Him be compassionate with everyone else. She has seen (or heard) of Him healing the sick, curing their diseases, giving sight to the blind, and raising the dead (Matthew 8-10). She knows He is compassionate. That he cares deeply for those who come to Him.  He is compassionate to those who seek Him.  He loves His people.

So she seeks Him. She asks Him to heal her demon possessed child.

The first time she asks Christ is silent. The second time she asks, He tells her she isn't His own. By this time the disciples are starting to resent her pestering. The third time His response seems a tad bit insulting. Ok - it feels down-right insulting. Still, she persists. 

It may seem by His response that He is being grouchy and impatient, but what we know of His character, we can assume this isn't true. What's more, The Canaanite didn't allow His response to hinder her what she knew to be true: that He was (and is) a compassionate and loving God. 

Here is a female, Gentile, from the wrong side of town, who has got some serious issues. If that weren't enough she has asked, three times, for something she is desperate to receive, and has been (seemingly) rejected. Rejected in front of others, and yet, in her faith, she will not concede. She will not give up on her only Hope. 

She knows He is the Messiah and she professes her faith in Him. She knows He is the answer to her daughters life, but more importantly we can see that Christ is not only interested in the physical life of the daughter, but in the spiritual life of this mom as well.

I can't help but put myself in the shoes of this women. If it had me I would likely have given up after the silent answer. Certainly after the second 'no', especially if the disciples started to complain about me. I would have allowed my pain in the moment to color my entire perception of Christ; exchanging what I know to be true about Him for what I perceived to be true in the moment.

The Lord has really been speaking to me on this subject this week. The Mister and I have had a big prayer concern over the last several months. We have prayed unceasingly for God's favor; His timing; His will...and just when we thought we had all things figured out, our prayers would be answered in ways that would lead to more prayer.  We have been in a pattern that we like to call "Wait and Pray."   Although we don't much like being in the middle of it.

It seems that we are slow learners, because God puts us in this position time and time again. 

This week as I was preparing to teach,  I was talking to God about all that has transpired in the last few months (and years, really).   I was asking Him to give me something fresh to give to the bible study gals. I was asking about The Wedge: What is it in life that keeps us from drawing nearer to Him? Obviously, in this little group of gals, we don't have the odds stacked against us as the Canaanite woman did in her time and culture.

This is what I heard Him say to me:

He said, "First, Kellie, let's talk about you. When you pray, and I am silent, does that mean I am not there? When you ask me for things in life you want specific answers to, and my answer feels like rejection to you, does that change who I am? Kellie, do what the Canaanite did, and remember the truth. Seek me still. I am the same yesterday, today and forever. I will never leave you or forsake you. I will not change."

God is using this ancient story to change my heart; to admit that I allow wedges to be placed (by my own doing) between Him and me.  Just as he draws out the faith of the Canaanite woman, He is drawing out my faith as we pray through an uncertain time.  The Lord, in His compassion, reminded me that I must remember truth; I must seek Him still. Even when things aren't done in my timing, or in my way.

And then I had to teach this study, as if I had any authority in which to do so! ;)

I love spending time studying scripture with other women. But today I am just as grateful to be at home "waiting and praying."

La Vida Dulce!

Holding Fast

I have been sitting on a few things that I wanted to write about, mostly because I didn't have any idea on what I needed to say, but today I know.

So here it is...

Last week I was reading my bible, and drinking coffee of course, and I read this verse in Joshua 22:5-

Love the Lord your God, 

walk in all His ways, obey His command,

hold fast to Him and serve Him

with all your heart and soul.

Although I am fairly familiar with this verse, I felt that I needed to write it down in my journal. Ii wasn't sure why.

I was taken with the words hold fast. Hold fast to Him.  

I thought maybe it had to do with an opportunity that came several weeks ago.  

Mrs. Moofish and I were given an opportunity to do some ministry together for the Women's Group at her church, and I was up to my eyeballs in preparation to speak to this group.  It's a seven week study on biblical womanhood. The first night I would talk about what it means to be a Christian woman in today's society. We would be looking at Psalm 84 and see, first hand, how the Christian life was meant to be a journey. One that we have to commit to, lest the distractions of the world steal our focus from the Lord, and place it on areas that seem more attractive. 

When I read the verse in Joshua, I felt God was trying to get my attention, but why? Was it to hold fast as I got ready to teach? Perhaps in preparation, to encourage someone else to hold fast? (Isn't it funny when we hear a word from God, and we assume it's meant for someone else?)

Monday morning of this week, I woke up anxious. It would be the first night back in ministry   since we moved from North Carolina.  I had a lot to do on Monday but I knew if I didn't take 10 minutes to be with the Lord in prayer, things would only get worse.  It was almost 1:00pm before I had the opportunity to do so, but when I opened my bible, to read further into Joshua, I read this:

But you are to hold fast to the Lord your God, 

as you have until now.

 Joshua 23:8 (emphasis mine)

Uh, hello? There was my answer.  

I still felt anxious, but I felt better. What I didn't realize was this verse was not meant for that day, but for the days that were to come.

Mrs. Moofish and I facilitated our first Bible Study night together, and things went well. As we locked the church doors and drove home, we were very excited, and wound up, and slightly heady from all the nerves we carried throughout the day.  

Although I was exhausted, I didn't sleep well, and on Tuesday morning I was tired. Later that evening I felt unsettled and grouchy. 

Tuesday night sleep felt like it never came. 

On Wednesday, I found myself entertaining old, and ugly thoughts.  The Mister calls it "Stinkin' Thinkin'. I knew something was up. 

About 7 years ago I was dealing (very poorly) with some old issues in my life, and as a result I lost a significant amount of weight. 

On purpose. 

It hadn't been the first time I had done this, but it was the first time it had become visible enough to really concern those around me. This time it was more critical, because not only did I have a family to care for, but I was also getting pretty involved in the women's ministry at our church.  I had responsibilities. 

This problem in my life was a symptom of other issues. I guess I could say I was trying to take control of things or situations that felt out of control, but I really believe that it was much more than that. When this happened I was very happy, had two beautiful babies, a loving husband and all the stuff thats useful for living a productive, happy,  American life.  Things were all very well, and good. Except my head was filled with false thoughts I chose to believe were true.  

I was believing crazy things that a rational, well fed mind, don't believe. Like, unless I worked out for a certain amount of time, then my entire life would be ruined.

I also believed crazy things that we all experience in the day to day life of a media fueled culture: that thinner is better; that being fit means you are a well organized, disciplined person, who has her life put-together; that all those things combined make you like-able; make you good.  Perfect.

You know what? These things? In and of themselves, are good things. But, they don't define who we are.

God does. So hold tight, hold fast. 

And I am mostly talking to myself.

Why I am sharing this detail about myself in all this internet glory?  I am not really sure. But I do know this: I am not one who blames satan for hangnails, and everything that goes wrong in life, but I do believe he is our enemy. An enemy who is ready, and willing, to distract us from the deep and abiding water of life that is God! 

The Lord and I, with the help of some excellent Christian counselors, and the support of family and friends, have worked through some amazing issues in my life. I have felt fairly free from the old habits of wanting to be super thin (give or take some hormonal moments!) for almost three years now.

Today I feel strong, and healthy! I eat normally, with the exception that I eat frequently! And I do this, for the most part, without guilt, or obsessiveness.

This week the enemy tried to get me to believe that I was still a slave in a field that I don't want to walk in anymore.  And that makes me mad! 

I am still consciences about how I fuel and care for my body, but I am no longer a slave to the numbers, to the outward appearance. I no longer believe the lie that those things will make me happy, fulfilled, and good.   This was not an over-night process. It took years, and I still have to work through things from time to time. But the struggle isn't what it used to be. 

I am no longer a slave. I am free. 

This morning, after days of cloudy thinking, I woke up ready to fight! I have worked too hard to just "mosey on in" to that stronghold again.

When I opened my eyes this morning I remembered to hold fast.  If I am going to be really honest, then I must tell you that this morning I sort of grabbed on in obedience. I grabbed on because I knew I really hadn't any other choice.  And right now at 1:00 pm Friday afternoon, I literally feel the "weight" sliding off my back. There is NOTHING heavier than believing something that isn't true.  

We can hold on to Him! We don't have to believe things that aren't true about us. We are who God says we are.  When we hold fast to God we don't have far to look when we have lost sight of the truth!

Many of you reading this now, probably know all this already. But just in case you don't, take it from someone who's been there. God cares for you. Hold fast to Him. It doesn't matter what you look like, or what you struggle with, or how unworthy you feel. He cares for you. 

Don't you believe otherwise...

~La Vida Dulce!