Friday, January 02, 2009

An Open Letter to My Children

Dear  Precious, Darling, Boy and Girl,

How can I say this in the nicest possible way?

You have misplaced my favorite pair of scissors!!!!!!!

These are not just any blunt-edged, run-of-the-mill, school-girl scissors. 

These are my beautiful orange and gray, soft grip, extra sharp, scissors.

It was against my better judgement to allow you to use them for gift wrapping two weeks ago, and now it has come to bite me in the rear.

You know, this reminds me of a story. 

When I was a kid your Paw would say the strangest things to us when he was frustrated.  Like the time he was cleaning up four or five pairs of socks that had been living on the family room floor (probably for several days). One time he looked at your uncles and I, and said, "Someday, when you are grown and living in your own house, I am going to visit you and throw my dirty socks on your family room floor." And he walked out of the room.

As a kid, I thought that was a weird kind of funny. Why would he want to do a silly thing like that?

For the record, your Paw has never (not even once) come to our home and thrown his dirty socks on my floor, but today I have clarity. 

I COMPLETELY understand what he was talking about 25 years ago.

There is nothing I look forward to more than coming into your home, stealing your best scissors, cutting up toilet paper rolls and sandpaper, and then hiding them in some random place. 

And then, then, when you come to me and say, "Hey, Mom, have you seen our good, sharp scissors? You know, the ones that cut beautifully every-single-time. The ones that don't have glue, or duct tape stuck to the blades. The ones that open and close with precision and ease. The ones that make me happy because I know that they will be there for me when I am putting together 20 invitations for a baby shower in two weeks?"  

And I will look at you and say, "Welllllllll, the last time I saw them, they were on the sewing table in your office. I didn't use them. It wasn't me. Nope."

Then I will skip off as if I didn't realize that you are about to pull out all your hair and throw a hissy fit like a 3 year old.

Yes, its happened. Your mother is loosing her mind over a pair of scissors. 

I have looked high and low for my good scissors. I have torn apart my office; Dad's office; the kitchen; the schoolroom. I even looked in the van, to no avail.

Now, I am not a high maintenance person. There are precious few things that I won't share with you. But I swear, if I don't find those scissors within 24 hours its going to drive me to drink another pot of coffee and pull out the frozen Christmas cookies. 

I know you don't want that.

So please. Help me find my scissors, and then, keep your sweet little mitts off  'em.



Heather said...

Oh THANK YOU!!!!! Me too! Me too! And I remember my mom very nearly strangling my brother and I for "borrowing" her sewing scissors, and now my favorite scissors routinely disappear to the kid' rooms and come back covered in duct tape and who knows what else.

mer@lifeat7000feet said...

Thank you for making me laugh today! I have a pair of scissors like that too. They occasionally disappear along with the scotch tape and it makes me CRAZY when I go to use them and they're gone.

Hope you're reunited soon with your orange/gray friend.

Tiffani said...

This is a great read..not a great actuality :)...perhaps they'll turn up quickly, my friend. for your sake and your childrens, that's what I'll pray ;)....

Rae said...

So sorry but so funny!!! Good luck...I hope they resurface before the 24-hour deadline. As for my Christmas cookies/treats/goodies...they're in the trash. I have ZERO willpower!

Lindsay said...

Okay I was laughing so hard I had to read this to Tim.. I remember my mom threatening our lives (joking of course) that if she went to use her kitchen scissors and they weren't there she would make our lives terrible. I sure hope they turn up soon.. I bet they are in the Christmas decoration boxes all neatly put away.. that would be my luck and not find them until next year when I have already replaced them :-P

Woman Interrupted said...

Uh oh, kids, mom ain't playing! You're either with her, or against her and they better turn up!

(This is a valid rant, I feel your pain, sister; and so cleverly put!)

C D said...

You know my story about my mom bellowing from one end of the house to the other.. "WHERE ARE MY SSCCIIISSSOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRSSSSSS??!!"

It wasn't a matter of me messing up her good sewing scissors (that would be instant death) -- but more that I'd take the scissors from their home on the top of the fridge (their home being in the Girl Scout project: colored torn-apart wooden laundry pegs aka clothes pins glued all around the empty tomato paste can...). I'd take them and not put them back... and the bellowing would begin.

Well.. it taught me, and everyone at work knows how anal I am about the scissors... and my pens... well, and just about anything else. And I don't even tell himself about any other scissors than the kitchen ones. :D :D I feel your pain.

stephanie j. said...

I, as well, we not allowed anywhere near my Mom's SUPER SHARP VERY SPECIAL Gingher scissors. I still remember the brand name.

Amber said...

Hysterical! I came over from Meredith's blog, and am so glad I did!!! :)

I no longer have my beautiful, lovely, amazingly perfect, cut-with-ease, comfy-grip scissors. I lost them to a bottle of Elmer's glue.

Hope you find yours! This is serious business!

Gretchen said...

Coming from Mer's place.

Honey, I feel your scissors pain. I have it, too. Also, I've been known to have hair brush pain, as well (10 y.o. dtr). HOwever, Santa left me a new brush in my stocking.

Stephanie Kay said...

Here from Meredith's. Glad to know I'm not the only one with "Momma's Scissors." = )

Anonymous said...

I totally understand! I hide my favorite scissors from everyone. (laughing) but if I forget - man oh man

Tanya said...

LOL!!! I love it! I have to tell you, my old roommate from college called a few weeks ago to tell me she just noticed a name scribble on her blue-handled knitting scissors. It said "Tanya Smith." I have been searching for those wonderful scissors for TEN YEARS!!! I loved those scissors even before I met my husband! Being the blonde that I am, I was sure I had just misplaced them somewhere. Yes, I've moved almost a dozen times since then, but I KNEW they had to be somewhere here. The worst part? Instead of promising to send them back to me, she rattled on about how wonderful they are and "where did you get them?" and "I'm so glad I have such nice scissors, a reminder of you" ... blah, blah, blah. ARGH!!!

So, Kelley, you're not alone in your passion for perfect scissors.

jen said...

Oh, my! I got such a laugh out of this. I LIVE this all the time. Sometimes I get so down on my self for asking the kids to share then being all selfish about something silly like scissors or a good (meaning one that writes and has an eraser left) pencil or some such thing. Then the kids make off with it, and I remember very quickly why I was all crazed to begin with. It's not selfishness; it's self preservation! Or perhaps it's family-preservation! :)

Anonymous said...

this is an INCREDIBLE post!!! so funny! oh, that is so funny, totally made my day!

The Buntens said...

Hysterical! and soooo true - I don't have a good pair to save my life at this point in my life.

Anonymous said...

I needed a good laugh today Kellie - thanks for coming through for me. Good luck with your search!

Jackie said...

Ha!!! This is classic, Kellie. There are just certain things that I have, too, that I would be none too happy about if they disappeared and my little angel were the culprit. So...did you find them yet?

Heather said...

Oh no, good luck with finding them!

Jolanthe said...


So true!!! I look forward to hiding random toys, shoving as much as I can into the couch cushions, maybe even pulling all the cushions off - who knows! Won't it be fun to see what havoc we can wreak in their houses...or provoke the grandchildren to do?? :)

And you do know that you'll find them in the last place you expect to find them.

Musings of a Housewife said...

UGH!! And if it's not the scissors, it's the tape. Drives me BATTY. glad to know I'm not the only one.