Being a Mom

I had planned to participate in the Life at 7000 feet: 10 on the 10th carnival with Mer today, but evening has come and my heart is in a different place.

Today has been a great day. Filled with presents and love, and good things to eat. 

It's also been filled with a great deal of thought. 

I am always very reminiscent on this day. So many great things have happened on this weekend in different seasons of my life. 

For instance, I had my first date with The Mister on this weekend in 1993. 

Two years later we got married. Our wedding date was May 13, 1995. The day before Mothers Day.

This weekend is always full of anticipation. I remember Mothers Day 1998 like it was yesterday. The Boy was eight months old, and although I am smiling in the picture above, I was disappointed. 

The Mister was in an intense Masters program where he went to school 5 days a week for 8 hours a day. He was in the middle of some intense clinicals working in a burn unit, and getting ready to graduate as one of the top in his class. His plate was more than full.

Unfortunately, he didn't know that I was expecting the royal treatment on this, my first official maternal holiday, so when he didn't wake up until 10 a.m., well, lets just say I was already fuming. It didn't matter that he had presents and plans (or that I hadn't TOLD him I would like him to get up early with me.) My expectations of the day hadn't come to fruition. 

That day didn't look like I had thought it would. 

It's feels funny to look back on that day. 

Especially now. 

Which bring me to this weekend...

When I woke up this morning my first thought was not about me. Nor was it about my mom. 

In the last three months I have had two friends who have lost children. 

Charity @ Considering it all Joy lost her baby in February. Today her day did not go as she had planned. Her expectations were changed on February 3rd, just two days from her due date, when her precious Alethia Joy was stillborn.

My friend Barbara lost her three-year-old daughter Leah in an accident one stormy March evening.  For six weeks we prayed for a miracle. Prayed she would wake up, and walk out of the hospital.  Instead, six weeks later, she flew to the arms of God. 

I haven't spoken to Barb since the funeral, but I'm certain that this wasn't the Mothers Day she thought she would be having when she looked toward the future at the beginning of this year. 

Although I woke up feeling pensive I didn't stay for breakfast in bed. I didn't wait in anticipation to see if the presents were going to be good. Nor did I feel slighted when I had to help organize the breakfast on the deck. I walked in that kitchen and directed the traffic, grateful for one more day to do what a mother does. 

I did get some nice things. But when the breakfast was done and the presents were opened I still had a small ache in my heart. Not only for my friends, but for the way I loose sight of the privilege of being a mother. 

For me, Mothers Day: May 10, 2009, will be remembered as the day when I found some perspective. 

Perspective that comes with some pain.

I am grateful. I pray I never forget how I have felt on this day.

I never want to become so self focused, so me-oriented, that I forget that it is an honor to be called a mother. I never want to become so focused on unmet expectations that I forget to see the blessings standing before my eyes.

To my friends who stand in this day with a broken heart and empty arms, you wear motherhood with a beauty I cannot describe. You are teaching me how to be a better mom.. a better woman. 

Today, I honor you.