Sunday, May 10, 2009

Being a Mom

I had planned to participate in the Life at 7000 feet: 10 on the 10th carnival with Mer today, but evening has come and my heart is in a different place.

Today has been a great day. Filled with presents and love, and good things to eat. 

It's also been filled with a great deal of thought. 

I am always very reminiscent on this day. So many great things have happened on this weekend in different seasons of my life. 

For instance, I had my first date with The Mister on this weekend in 1993. 

Two years later we got married. Our wedding date was May 13, 1995. The day before Mothers Day.

This weekend is always full of anticipation. I remember Mothers Day 1998 like it was yesterday. The Boy was eight months old, and although I am smiling in the picture above, I was disappointed. 

The Mister was in an intense Masters program where he went to school 5 days a week for 8 hours a day. He was in the middle of some intense clinicals working in a burn unit, and getting ready to graduate as one of the top in his class. His plate was more than full.

Unfortunately, he didn't know that I was expecting the royal treatment on this, my first official maternal holiday, so when he didn't wake up until 10 a.m., well, lets just say I was already fuming. It didn't matter that he had presents and plans (or that I hadn't TOLD him I would like him to get up early with me.) My expectations of the day hadn't come to fruition. 

That day didn't look like I had thought it would. 

It's feels funny to look back on that day. 

Especially now. 

Which bring me to this weekend...

When I woke up this morning my first thought was not about me. Nor was it about my mom. 

In the last three months I have had two friends who have lost children. 

Charity @ Considering it all Joy lost her baby in February. Today her day did not go as she had planned. Her expectations were changed on February 3rd, just two days from her due date, when her precious Alethia Joy was stillborn.

My friend Barbara lost her three-year-old daughter Leah in an accident one stormy March evening.  For six weeks we prayed for a miracle. Prayed she would wake up, and walk out of the hospital.  Instead, six weeks later, she flew to the arms of God. 

I haven't spoken to Barb since the funeral, but I'm certain that this wasn't the Mothers Day she thought she would be having when she looked toward the future at the beginning of this year. 

Although I woke up feeling pensive I didn't stay for breakfast in bed. I didn't wait in anticipation to see if the presents were going to be good. Nor did I feel slighted when I had to help organize the breakfast on the deck. I walked in that kitchen and directed the traffic, grateful for one more day to do what a mother does

I did get some nice things. But when the breakfast was done and the presents were opened I still had a small ache in my heart. Not only for my friends, but for the way I loose sight of the privilege of being a mother. 

For me, Mothers Day: May 10, 2009, will be remembered as the day when I found some perspective. 

Perspective that comes with some pain.

I am grateful. I pray I never forget how I have felt on this day.

I never want to become so self focused, so me-oriented, that I forget that it is an honor to be called a mother. I never want to become so focused on unmet expectations that I forget to see the blessings standing before my eyes.

To my friends who stand in this day with a broken heart and empty arms, you wear motherhood with a beauty I cannot describe. You are teaching me how to be a better mom.. a better woman. 

Today, I honor you.


The Buntens said...

Oh, that was just really beautiful. Your heart just shined through your words straight to my own.

mer@lifeat7000feet said...

I've been heavy hearted all day today for some of the same reasons. Yet I've also been able to rejoice with some friends who are celebrating Mother's Day for the first time. Such a mixed bag of blessings.

And such a thoughtful post. Thanks for sharing your perspective. I hope you had a nice day with your peeps. ;)

Anonymous said...

Oh. Just wow. I've thought today of some girlfriends who've lost babies. They have other children but that doesn't take one bit away from the pain this day can bring. I can remember the Mother's Days when I desperately wanted to be a mom but wasn't yet. So many women are in that category. This can be such a difficult day for so many.

But what struck me most about this post was when the paragraph that had the sentence: "I walked in that kitchen and directed the traffic, grateful for one more day to do what a mother does." Wow. Talk about perspective.

More than a day for my family to be grateful for me, I am ever so much more grateful that I get to be a mom at all.

Thanks so much for this post.

Gretchen said...

Kellie, this is beautiful and poignant, and so raw. I love every word. Thank you for helping me to make sure my heart's centered where it needs to be.

My prayers are with your friends and their losses.

Carpool Queen said...

I needed to hear that because I was stuck in a mini pity-party about unmet expectations.

Thanks for the much needed cup of cold water in my face to help re-focus on what's important.

Tiffani said...


I absolutely positively needed to hear this.

I have a better attitude already on this Monday...

Thanks so much for sharing and you are so right.

So glad you're day was special and wonderful!

Farming On Faith said...

What a wonderful post~
Life is hard but God is good. We must be thankful for all the joyful days and trust God for the uncertain one. I am with you as your heart is heavy for those who are going through the storms of life. I am so thankful for those who stand by me in mine!
We can trust the Father!

Shelley @ My Treasure Hunt said...

Thanks for sharing this...what a great perspective, and it is so true! Beautifully written!!

Anonymous said...

such a wonderful gift you gave yourself! Thank you for sharing it with the rest of us!

Rae said...

Such a beautiful post, Kellie! A family at church just lost their son this past Wednesday after laying in a coma for the previous two weeks. When I saw this mother yesterday at church all I could do was throw my arms around her as our tears mingled together. I spent most of Mother's Day squeezing my darling children and relishing in their presence!!

Lori said...

Wonderful post, Kelli. Thanks for sharing your heart and inspiring us to remember "that it is an honor to be called a mother." Your friends are in my prayers.

Michele said...

As I woke up on Mother's Day I prayed for those in which this day brings them pain instead of joy, particularly my friends who have lost a Mom this year or those friends of mine whose Mom's will not or do not remember them due to a dreaded disease.

Life is all about perspective. When it is put in its proper place, then we have an attitude of thanksgiving rather than of ourselves.

Happy late Mother's Day!

Robin said...

What a beautiful post and a wonderful perspective. Thanks for sharing it.

Darcie - Such The Spot said...

I'm behind on my blog reading Kellie but of all the posts to come back to - this one was perfect. Every last word struck a chord with me. Just beautiful. And a very important reminder. Thank you.

Unknown said...

I too am catching up on my blog reading - beautiful and thoughtful post.