Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Topless Carpool Mom - and other thoughts on insecurity

In 2005 we moved from Texas to North Carolina and immediately got The Boy registered in a new school.

The night before his first day I had a dream that I showed up bright and early to the carpool line. As I pulled into the parking lot I realized I would need to walk into the building.  But when I looked down to take my seatbelt off, I wasn't wearing a shirt.

It was such a vivid dream that I woke up with heart palpitations and was sweating.  I've laughed about that dream for years now. I guess it doesn't matter how old you are- when you are insecure you are going to have dreams that you show up to school in your underwear.

Co-op starts tomorrow. I had a dream two nights ago that I completely dropped the ball and didn't show up, even though I knew that I was letting down people I care for and love, especially one friend in particular. I spent all of yesterday having to tell myself that that dream wasn't real.

I know why I am having dreams of insecurity. This is a new season for me. We are in a new school year. We are attending a new church. I am meeting new friends. Starting new groups.

I can sum up in three words how I am feeling about this new season in life:  I love it.

Even so, isn't it funny how new things can stir up old insecurity?

I'm convinced that insecurities are just distractions in my focus. They are bright warning lights that lead to dead end spaces. Diversions from the truth set before me.

I found myself fretting over what to wear to church early Sunday morning, and then weeping in the sanctuary with gratitude for the place we have found ourselves in... who cares what I was wearing?

"Be thou my vision..." I sang between catches in my throat. "Thou with me dwelling, and I with thee one."

Riches I heed not, nor mans empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my treasure Thou heart.

Weeping tears of contentment and praying for a vision that isn't set upon myself. That is the cure for insecurity: Gratitude for the gifts given. A heart, mind and vision focused on the One who holds the future. And the security of knowing I don't walk alone.

Even when I show up in my underwear.


Mindy said...

THANK you for this post! In the position that my husband and I are in, we were talking last night about how we are "temporary" in the lives of the people around us. And how, even though we understand that we will never be "besties" with them, it is still hard and a little hurtful to be left out of things. I needed the reminder that HE should be my everything. "Thou an thou only first in my life.....".
THANSKS so much!!!

His Girl Amber said...

Oh, Kel. What a phenomenal post. Phenomenal.

Thank you also for setting the song in my heart fir today. One of my all time favorites.

You're one if my all time favorites too.

The Lord Family said...

Love this! And how true it is that our insecurities are just distracting us from what we really need to be focused on.
And that song...how I love it.
Have a great day knowing you are loved and cherished by the One who knows the future!

Jan said...

Love that you weep in worship. Vivian and I are known to leak on occasion. We dare not look at one another for fear we both would began gushing. Tender hearts yielded in gratitude are pleasing in the sight of the Lord.

Cindy said...

Love your post Kelli and am so happy you are at CGS! What a blessing! Have been wanting to mention to you an amazing book I've just finished and have started re-reading called 1000 Gifts. You may have read it, but if not am sure you'd love it! The author is a young mom with 6 kids and her name is Ann Voskamp. It's an amazing book! Blessings sweet Kelli!

Cindy said...

Forgot, your post brought the book to my mind!

whimzie said...

Simply beautiful, friend! And for someone who constantly finds herself in new seasons of life, very timely and apt words to take to my own heart. It didn't hurt that they were accompanied by one of my very favorite hymns.

Although I have to admit, when I read the title and saw Topless Carpool Mom, my brain saw Carpool Queen, and I wasn't quite sure what to expect!