The Topless Carpool Mom - and other thoughts on insecurity

In 2005 we moved from Texas to North Carolina and immediately got The Boy registered in a new school.

The night before his first day I had a dream that I showed up bright and early to the carpool line. As I pulled into the parking lot I realized I would need to walk into the building.  But when I looked down to take my seatbelt off, I wasn't wearing a shirt.

It was such a vivid dream that I woke up with heart palpitations and was sweating.  I've laughed about that dream for years now. I guess it doesn't matter how old you are- when you are insecure you are going to have dreams that you show up to school in your underwear.

Co-op starts tomorrow. I had a dream two nights ago that I completely dropped the ball and didn't show up, even though I knew that I was letting down people I care for and love, especially one friend in particular. I spent all of yesterday having to tell myself that that dream wasn't real.

I know why I am having dreams of insecurity. This is a new season for me. We are in a new school year. We are attending a new church. I am meeting new friends. Starting new groups.

I can sum up in three words how I am feeling about this new season in life:  I love it.

Even so, isn't it funny how new things can stir up old insecurity?

I'm convinced that insecurities are just distractions in my focus. They are bright warning lights that lead to dead end spaces. Diversions from the truth set before me.

I found myself fretting over what to wear to church early Sunday morning, and then weeping in the sanctuary with gratitude for the place we have found ourselves in... who cares what I was wearing?

"Be thou my vision..." I sang between catches in my throat. "Thou with me dwelling, and I with thee one."

Riches I heed not, nor mans empty praise,

Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:

Thou and thou only, first in my heart,

High King of heaven, my treasure Thou heart.

Weeping tears of contentment and praying for a vision that isn't set upon myself. That is the cure for insecurity: Gratitude for the gifts given. A heart, mind and vision focused on the One who holds the future. And the security of knowing I don't walk alone.

Even when I show up in my underwear.

Coveting Thy Neighbors Front-Loader

When our dryer went up in smoke last week I was thankful my home hadn't burned down.

Today I have an issue...

When things in my life have ever broken down (or spontaneously combusted, as it may be) my gut-reaction is to replace it. Out with the scorched. In with the new!


I'm slowly learning when things go awry in life (or the laundry room) there is often more than one solution. The best part? In the process of the final solution, you may pick up a skill or two.

Or at least your husband will.

For instance, The Mister could write volumes on how to repair a washing machine when it goes out. Or how to replace a sink. Or fix stucco when your wife backs her car into the side of the house.

He might call it : Fixing the Mess She's Got Herself Into.


I'd call it: Helping him see his Mr. Fix-It potential.

He's handy around the house... especially when I give him the time to figure things out; when I give thought to what might be another (less expensive) solution.

When my dryer set itself on the path of a slow burning inferno I put this lesson practice. I wasn't going to rush to the department store, I was going to let my man handle it! Wasn't that amazing?

Well, no, actually it wasn't.

Enter the front-loader.

This morning, after a laundry-lapse of 84 hours it was time to call on the kindness of our neighbor.

Mrs. E is a wonderful lady who I've written about before. She loves on my kids, is kind to my man, and has generously treated us as family. She gives treats to my dog, cuts fresh flowers from her garden for others to enjoy, and she has the most beautiful front-loading washer and dryer I have ever seen.

This morning I walked across the woods, arms straining to carry a basket full of laundry, with school-girl giddiness. I had been there a couple years back when the delivery truck pulled up Mrs E's driveway and unloaded the precious metal machine duo. I've been eying them ever since.

I'm just gonna spill my guts to you this morning and admit I made a wish right then and there, that my machine would die... so I could get a match-set too.

Before you judge, just remember, that was before I was using my powers of messing-things-up for good.

Honestly, this pearly white, energy-efficient, super-capacity, intelligent-timing, moisture sensing, with 9-cycles and 6- temperature settings might as well be my neighbors ox or donkey.

Have I mentioned how quiet it is? How it practically folds the clothes for you? How I have done four days worth of laundry in less than four hours because of its amazing ability to dry a load of laundry in less than hour?

I want  am enjoying that machine.

The Mister ordered the new parts he's replacing for our old dryer. They should arrive in the mail today or tomorrow.  I'm pretty sure its going to fix our issue.

The question is: Will it fix mine?

Happy Monday!

Five Photos Friday

I will admit, this week has been a strange one. We started with an earthquake, had a laundry fire mid-week and will finish it off with a hurricane. 

There is truly never a dull moment. 

Actually, that's not entirely true. There were a few moments of respite. Let me share them with you....

1. Living with a teenager is an adventure. I spend a lot of time vacillating between great rounds of laughter and frantic moments of prayer. Its all good. I'm thankful for a boy like this one...

 2. I think I might have control issues... and heaven help the woman who might get to the locker room at the gym first. Locker 19 is mine, mine, mine. Just kidding! (Sort of.)

PS: I love my new blue lock... when I purchased it I was so worried that the combo would be too hard to remember. When I opened the packaging the combo was made up of months/dates corresponding to the birthdays of The Mister, The Boy and The Girl. Isn't that cool?

3. I'm getting a little worried about the science curriculum we are using for eighth grade this year. Last week's experiment involved lighting matches, and this week he had to use the stove burner on high heat. (See #1.)

 4. The Girl is a card shark. A serious card shark. She pretty much cleaned us out on Wednesday night. All I can say is: Paw you better buy the Costco-size bag of m&m's... and hide your wallet. 

5. I will admit that sometimes when I step on a Lego with bare feet I say bad words. And I have been known to vacuum up scattered and lonely Lego pieces because my cries for them to be picked-up often go unheard.

However, just between you and me, deep down inside, finding Lego soldiers guarding my deodorant and Smashbox makes me exceedingly happy.

So there it is... the "boring" parts of my exciting week.

Happy Friday! And stay safe out there!

~~~

OH! And one more thing! I have a message for Mary from the pool (should you read my blog). I feel horrible that I have let a sister in a hair crisis down! I cannot for the life of me remember your last name... and I have tried high and low to find you on Facebook with your first and maiden name... even looking at other friends pages to see if they knew you. Please find me and friend me on Facebook, or leave a comment or email here, so I can find you and give you my hair-apists name.xox

Unplugging my Toaster... and Counting My Blessings

Six months ago I pulled a load of towels out of the dryer and it smelled like smoke. I checked every thing out and it looked all right.

And then I forgot about it.

Growing up my dad had three household "rules" that he was fairly serious about:

1. no flame candles in the bedrooms,

2. don't leave the dryer running when you aren't at home,

3. unplug the toaster when you are done, and certainly before you leave the house.

As a kid, I followed along and did my best to remember (if not with a secret eye roll or huff here and there.)

Now I know how very important those rules are...

Yesterday, I threw in a load of laundry into the dryer and ran upstairs to grab some shoes and brush my teeth before taking my son to the doctor. The kids were downstairs finishing up their work and getting ready to go.

Within five minutes I could smell acrid smoke that burned my nose. I ran downstairs to find my dryer was on fire.

When I opened the door a puff of smoke came out and continued to rise from the lint screen.

We unplugged it and took the clothes out, and waited to see if the smoke would stop. It did.

Then we prayed that it wouldn't re-ignite, cuz we had to leave, we couldn't miss the appointment at the orthopedic office.

When The Mister got home he pulled everything apart and this is what he found...

We're pretty sure that this has been a slow-burn, a six-month tinder... a tragedy in the making.

Honestly, I try not to run the dryer while I am out of the house, but occasionally it happens. LIke two weeks ago when I ran the kids to the pool. I left the dryer running because I was only going to be gone for 20 minutes. Never again.

We escaped and I am grateful.

So for now, this is our dryer:

And this...

I know that, "faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see"...but I do believe that every once in awhile we get the opportunity to really see.

Maybe more often than we choose.

Today I don't have to choose. Those wet clothes hanging all over the house are my memory stones.

I've been given the chance to see, and I am grateful.

The LORD is good to all; 

He has compassion on all he has made.

Psalm 145:9

A First for Everything

I am sure that every blogger on the coast is blogging about the same thing today...

Earthquakes and Hurricanes.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

I was grading math assignments when I thought I heard a large airplane in the distance. I noticed because its very rare to hear an airplane in my neck of the piney woods. The sound grew louder... and somehow, if sound can have feeling, the growing rumble felt oppressive, foreboding. I looked at the dog, who on most days is afraid of her shadow. She was not bothered at all.

Then the cupboards started to rattle and I could feel vibrations through the floor.

I ran to the stairs to find out what in the world those kids were doing that would cause such commotion. Did they have music on that would make all that noise and racket?

By the time I reached the bottom of the stairs they were making their way down.

"Mom, the whole up-stairs is shaking!"

And I knew. I knew something was amiss.

The shaking stopped. Lasted less than a minute...

Its amazing the thoughts you can think in less than a minute.

I'm ashamed to say my first thought was sinister... thoughts of explosions and terror came to my mind. Something, someone was under attack...

The minute is was over, I felt shaken, and began to doubt.  I wondered if I had made it up. Maybe somehow my imagination had conjured something that wasn't quite real. I quickly got on Facebook (after-all thats the first place you should run when you fear you are losing your mind) to see if any of my neighbors had felt it too.

Immediately my friend Heather replied and said she had felt it too.  I felt so relieved. I wasn't crazy! (at least not today.) But I was shocked. Heather is a neighbor in heart, but she lives 25 miles away. Certainly whatever had happened was big. Honestly, I thought it might have been an earthquake, but I figured it highly unlikely. We don't have earthquakes in the East.

But it was.

My first earthquake... in the state of North Carolina.  May it be the last!

Our state was not preparing for an earthquake, but for a hurricane named Irene. Thankfully, us inland peeps should only get some rain and maybe some wind (at least as projected today), but I am making sure we are prepared. I'm making whole-wheat bread today. I bought extra coffee last week. We have three 10-gallon water bottles and enough toilet paper to get us through until next Christmas.

Its all about essentials, my friends.

Talk to me: Where were you during yesterdays earthquake?

You don't live on the East Coast? Well, if you were preparing for a hurricane, what one item would be in your survival kit?

Show and Tell

I got a  new phone a week ago and I was inspired to crochet a cozy that was fun, whimsical... and uncomplicated.  I also wanted it to be a project I could get done in one hour.

You may remember the crocodile I crocheted last month... this cozy was inspired by those loopy stitches that are so very easy, and offer a fun look without a lot of trouble!

Here is the open view. (that is my daughter's bedazzled device... not that I haven't been known to bedazzle and item or two myself)

Here's a side view....

and the back...

When the cozy was finished (and my afternoon plans fell through) I decided to be brave and try to make some hand-warmers. I had been putting off this pattern found in the Nov/Dec '10 issue of Crochet Today because they looked so complicated.

Now I am sorry I didn't make them last winter. They were simple. It took about an hour for each glove. And they are soft and lovely.... maybe a little bit big... but wonderful.

Then I decided to make a Kaleidoscope hexagon (also from Crochet Today, July/August 2011), just for kicks, to see how easy they would stitch up.

This was of course the kiss of death-by-crochet.  I'm in love. This hexagon stitches up BIG. This one is nearly 9-inches across. I see a new blanket in my future... which is sort of funny considering I haven't finished the afghan I put down early this summer, when it got too hot to crochet under all that  yarn....

Hmmm.... I think I may have a new project for the weekend: finish the wavy blanket to make room for the kaleidoscope...

Until then, its business as usual.

Happy Tuesday!

Body Guard or Fraidy Cat (depending on the day)

I'm taking my coffee on the deck this morning.

It's quite dangerous out here, what with all the squirrels noisily chasing through the trees. I can hear crickets chirping, and a crow squawking in the distance... I even hear a big animal off in the forest. Most likely its the buck with big antlers that lives in our woods.

It's a jungle out there.

But I'm not afraid. I've got my guard dog, Kona.



When I sit out here she places herself right at the entrance to our deck, ready to take on all that might come.

Well, almost anything.

Right after I snapped this photo she got up from her perch and ran like a flash to keep me safe me from suspicious three-inch Millipede crawling across the bricks. You should never trust anyone with 1000 short legs.

She sniffed at it and moved it around with her nose.

The suspect was deemed harmless and allowed to go on his way.

She's just doing her job, saving the day.



Occasionally, when things are a little slow, she gets up to check the perimeter. To chase those brown tree-climbing varmints back into there deluxe nests in the sky.

Then she comes back to resume her post for duty.



Just between you and me, my guard-dog is nice, but she's extremely high
-strung and afraid of her shadow. She can make me feel content and crazy within a fraction of a second.

She's the family dog, but likes me the best - following me around from room to room. She sits in the middle of the kitchen when I am cooking and if I don't shut the the door, will follow me into the bathroom. Every. Single. Time.

She is a loyal guard dog who's afraid of my sports-watch and the sound of the fire alarm when I occasionally "overcook" something in the kitchen. She saves me from bugs, but runs away from the deer. She'll crawl in your lap like a puppy is there's thunder.

She's a mess. But she doesn't know it.

This morning she is doing the job she takes with all seriousness: She is keeping me safe from millepedes and squirrels.

Shes my dog... and I love her.

Saying Nothing At All

Today I'm feeling choosing quiet.

I'm a girls-girl. A people-person. A sociable gal.

But sometimes? I let people get me down.

Which isn't right, or even fair... but it's what feels true for me today.

Instead of focusing on a confidence lost, I am going to focus on what I have learned... so I don't make the same mistakes twice. Instead of lashing out with my own thoughts and words, I am going back to my roots; to what my very own mama-hen taught me as a child...

"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

You would think I am nearing an age that would render a modicum of maturity-- some control over my people-pleasing ways; Some protection of the heart when those around me fail (and, when I fail others)...

I am learning that age, and security, and love for people cannot ease the sorrow of a trust broken.

But, there is One profound cure... A balm that leads to joy. Encouragement... not from the words of my mouth (or feelings of my heart) but those from the Word of God.

No. I'll say nothing at all. I'll hold tight to what is True...

[Kellie is]... not to please man [or people],

but to please God... 
We know that God is greater than our hearts... and He knows everything.

~1 Thessalonians 2:4~

ESV - my paraphrase; and 
1 John 3:20

Thursday Things That Make Me Happy

• Counting-down on paper chains.

(The Girl made this... she is counting down days until she see her Paw and Grannie. Only 44 chains left!) 

• Banana treats...

•  ...for a monkey boy.

...and his mother.

• Sweet smelling soaps that make me want to clean.

• Wildlife in my own back yard.

• Two Bambies. Love their spots.

• Teaching our kids to play poker. 

•  Traditions - I told the kids how my dad taught us how to play poker on camping trips. They want to play with him but are hoping to play like the "olden days" (a.k.a - when I was a kid)...we didn't bet with pennies. We played for m&m's.

• Crocheting a poncho... with a name that's like my own.

•  Being almost done...

• Quiet times.

•  Lego mansions.

• A teenage boy who is generous with his smile.

These things. They make me happy.

A Bowl of Cherries

I am so grateful for this past weekend. It was the first since early spring that all four of us were at home with nothing to do.

The cherry on top?

It rained.

A cool, steady, drenching rain.

Nearly all day Saturday.

It was perfect.

So with an empty calendar and a cloudy sky, I thought of what I might do...

I started a new crochet project. My niece shared a pattern with me last fall called the "Kellie" poncho.

(i'm not even kidding, that's really the designs name)

It's like, kismet... that poncho and me. We were meant to find each other on a rainy Saturday afternoon in August.

I'm doing it in a shade of aqua, to match the wool felt flower I made last week. I'm hoping to post pics sometime soon.

While I was hooking (oh! That makes me giggle.) I watched about six episodes of Gidget (Sally Field) with The Girl.

So fun, and frivolous... and wonderful.

And can I tell you a secret?

On Sunday afternoon we came home from church, ate leftover pizza for lunch, took the nap-of-all-naps (you know, the one where you wake up with pillow marks on your face) and had ice cream for dinner: cookies and cream. Two big scoops. And I didn't even feel guilty for it. Not even for half-a-second.

Seriously, the weekend was perfect. I should have taken pictures.

But I didn't, so I'll just say that our home this weekend.... Was an overflowing bowl of cherries.

Flying

Time is moving so quickly these days.

Its really just flying.

This week has been good.

But I've come to the realization that my job is changing... and yet the foundation stays the same.

Gone are the days of working hard all day with young children. Of waking up tired from holding sick babies all night and chasing/cleaning after preschoolers.

I am now one of those moms I used to envy. You know the one... she shops without her kids, sips latte's without sharing, isn't wearing gooey graham cracker on the front of her shirt. I have become that mom who can read poolside while the kids are swimming.

But, let me tell you what I am reading...

I'm reading on how to encourage my teenager toward healthy and strong relationships. I'm reading up on how to keep the heart, mind, and body pure in a world that treats relationship (and dating) as something that isn't revered, but looked upon as conquest.

I'm reading on how to help them be excellent communicators (and listeners) when our media-filled age is all about 140 character or less... when conversations that should be held face-to-face are texted-- when words that should be private are splattered all over Facebook.

I'm reading about how to help them see the value in who they have been created to be; to be content with the gifts and talents they have been uniquely given for their good and the to the glory of God. I'm trying to learn how to help them find a way in a society that praises the mean-girl and emasculates the good-boy.

I'm reading up on how to keep my kids spiritually and mentally healthy in a world that offers nothing of sustenance on which to feast, and then glorifies the emaciated mind and body.

I'm trying to gain knowledge and wisdom, help steer the way, but it isn't always easy and often the lessons learned are not just for them... but for me.

I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed again for wisdom. For understanding. For a life-line.

Ten days ago, while I was sitting at the table teaching English and wondering how this whole teenage parenting thing was gonna work out, I received answer to that prayer.

It wasn't what I was expecting.

It was a thought so very clear in my mind that I had to write it down to be sure it was true.

"Be present with those you're with."

Three days later, nearly to the hour, as I anticipated the crossing-off of To-Do lists; in between grocery lists and papers to grade I got caught in the cross-winds of a storm I didn't know was brewing in my heart: How am I supposed to navigate this crazy time of hormones and history papers? How am I to nurse the whiplash that comes in the battle of snarkyness vs. neediness that can happen from the same child within a ten-minute span? How do I mentor and mother? Teach and Talk? Listen and learn? 

Two little words calmed the raging storm. Hope came to soothe my heart as a dozen(ish) letters bled from my pen. 

Job description: Be available.

That's a hard one for me. It always has been. 

 Over and over again I have had to choose to be available. 

Why did I think it would change now?

This Wednesday we had our usual Family Night. We started this tradition over a decade ago when I realized that The Mister and I needed a night that we could count on... a night when we could spend some time with the kids, and then after tucking them in bed, could have some time together. It's been our date night, and with the exception of a half-a-dozen very good reasons, we have kept that date. 

Not every night has been sweetness and light. As a matter of fact there have been some Wednesday evenings that we all should have just crawled into bed at 6:00 pm and stayed there. But our choice to be available to one-another every Wednesday over the period of a decade is beginning to show its fruit. And to be very honest with you, two nights ago it was of great encouragement to me.

Why?

Because choosing to be available again, and again, in the face of discouragement - when family night felt more like a lesson in patience; when others around us discouraged us, didn't understand us, sometimes even asked us to change our date to accommodate things they thought more important; when I just didn't have energy or desire to plan and prepare and my attitude reflected it -  there was still blessing in being available. 

This Wednesday my two worlds collided: that world of choosing availability when my children were little (even when I couldn't see the fruit) and realizing how important it will continue to be as I navigate these sometimes-murky teenage waters. 

Maybe, even more important.

This week Family Night was a quiet and tender gift ... just for me... although, at the time, even I didn't know it.

I made a dinner that everyone loved. The bread came out just perfect. The Girl set the table with added touches. Everyone was happy and communicative. The wine tasted delicious. 

Laughter and Joy and Love was set before us. As we looked across our big walnut table at the faces of this family, we got to taste and see what is good... and it helped me glimpse into the future. 

This. This one moment that took eleven-years to build is what comes of being available, but this isn't the end. Its just the beginning. 

Time is flying... but I don't need to worry... when all plans fail... when I think I am failing... 

I will choose to be present with those I am with... 

I choose to be available.

Random (Flowery) Thoughts from Kellie's Brain

I'm sure by now you've guessed that I have an obsession a passion for flowers.

I love them, but I also really love to make them. Paper, yarn, fabric, tissue, beads, all flower-making medium is fair game... and this week wool-felt is my textile of choice.

I found this picture through Pinterest, (Go on, CLICK HERE to see the picture and then come back, I'll wait.)

OK... So glad you came back.

Seriously, if those beautifully colored felt dahlia's don't make your heart just swell with happiness, well... I'm worried about you.

Then again, maybe you should worry about me, because that picture made me want to run warp-speed to my studio/office and start making these bold, blooming, blossoms by the dozens.

Yesterday, I did my very best to muster up enough self-control to get two things done: teach some school, and finish up my last crochet project (pics below).

But then, without stopping at Go (or fixing lunch,) I found my wool-felt stash and sat to work.

My first attempt turned out all right. Not quite as neat and tidy as the picture, but give me a couple days and we'll see what happens...

Speaking of blue flowers....

I didn't give too much info on our beach trip. I plan to write more tomorrow but i will say I had forgotten how much I love the sea. I was surprised how blue the Atlantic ocean looked. Especially in the morning, when the sunlight was filtered through marine haze.

I must have been inspired by that azure hue because not only did I come home and make blue flowers, I bought one too.

I'm not really a souvenir type person, but when I saw this bracelet in the hotel gift shop, it was... just waiting there for me to pick it up... sitting there so pretty in all its flowery-blue goodness.

If happy were a wool-felt flower, or a beaded bracelet, this is what it would look like.

I mentioned that I finished my tea cozy project... Here it is.

No matter how hard I tried, I could not get the picture to show the true color red. in the picture it looks very orangey, but in real life its a beautiful blue-red. Mrs. P. This should be living in your kitchen within the next 5 business days! Hooray!

Well, I would love to sit and chat all day... seriously, I would. But I want to try to make one more flower before this afternoon gets away!

Happy Wednesday!

By the Sea

I took a little blog-hiatus last week to get prepared for our family weekend away.

The Mister had a long-weekend so we whisked away Friday for an overnight trip to Atlantic beach.

Originally we had planned to camp on the beach at a State Park, but axed that plan at the last minute. Which was good, because after 7 hours of playing in the surf and sand, we were all ready to come home.

Today I come back to reality. Its not gonna be easy. First thing on my agenda (The bad news): a dentist appointment. The good news is that when you start your day with the dentist, it can only get better from there.

Happy Monday Tuesday!

black, white, red, giraffe

At the moment I have a lot of black, white, and red happening in my house. 

I think my favorite thing from the garden this year are those twin-cherry tomatoes, so perfectly colored and shaped. Little gifts from a poorly tended garden. 

I almost didn't eat them they were so cute... but I did eat them. 

They were tasty.

This is a commissioned tea cozy, meant to be finished late last week. I'm struggling with the flowers. Not with the making, but with the size, the placement, the kind... it'll all come and fit together like it wants to be, but in the meantime I'll fuss... and then set it aside. Rearrange... then put away.  I know the moment will come, when I'll put it together and it will all be right... perfectionist? Nah. I like to think of it as art.

Speaking of art...

As a family we are working on a project this year that will require each of us to keep a composition book.

I've never liked composition books because they are so drab looking... so I've decided a little decoupage is in order... but first I needed to get the cover looking like I wanted it to.

Have you ever used Graphite paper? Its one of my very favorite crafting supplies (you can find it in the drawing and painting sections of craft stores.)

I used scrapbook paper to make my numbers and background, then I found my favorite computer font for the written word 'thanks'.

Then I placed the 'thanks' where I wanted it on the cover with the graphite (black side down) in between. 

 I traced over the letters with a pencil, checking twice that I'd gone over all the lines, its impossible to place in the same spot once you remove the graphite.

The graphite leaves a faint line.  I traced over the line with my favorite permanent marker (the one I hide in my office where no one can find it... I'm not even kidding.)

Then I used a glue stick to place the cover over the composition book. After I've given it a little time to dry I will Mod-Podge the cover so it all stays in place.

As a non-black/white/red side note:

You can also use graphite paper to trace onto canvas.

I am not the only one in this house that L-O-V-E-S graphite paper. The Girl is a big fan too. 

She is painting in the kitchen as I type.
I offered to put the easel on the floor so she could sit in the chair.
She declined.
Artists.

Last year a friend recommended the Color-Me-Online website. They have all sorts of printable animal drawings and famous masterpieces geared toward teaching your kids about art (and its free!) It is really a great website, good for artists of every age.

The Girl's first project was to print out  this black and white giraffe. 

I helped her transfer the giraffe with graphite paper and she set to work painting.

Isn't that fun?

Happy Tuesday!