Suddenly

Today has been full, but reflective.

Today was the first day of Ladies Bible Study at our new church. I was nervous. This is one of the hard parts of the "moving" routine: walking into a group a women, who all know each other, and try to be friendly; try to act normal, as if I just walk into groups of strangers everyday.

I was cringing as I walked to the church door because I have been involved in enough ladies bible studies to know that we are going to play mixer games and do weird stuff like "interview the person next to you and then tell the group about this person".

Several years ago, while I was leading the worship team for Ladies Bible study in Texas I became overwhelmed with anxiety over performing. It came out of nowhere and it hasn't gone away. People are often surprised that I have nervousness. But I always do. When I go somewhere new, when I sing in front of people, when I speak in front of people. The older I get, the worse the nerves get. It is very ridiculous, but for the moment it's the way it is.

So I get to the bible study and all is going fairly well. We are doing a Beth Moore bible study on the book of Daniel.

Here's the thing: it was this very bible study that I started with my Carolina Girls at the first of this year. I came to the first meeting, watched the video, said good bye, and we moved. So all these sweet memories of that night came flooding into my heart and mind and suddenly I am homesick, but not just for my NC girls, but for my Texas girls too (several who don't even live in TX anymore).

It was hard to walk into that room of 150 women and not know anybody. It was difficult as I saw these gals laughing with one another, talking about each others kids, and loving on each other and not be "one of the girls."

When I left the church, everyone was still hanging out and talking. I slipped out quietly, no one even knew I had gone. As I drove out of the parking lot I longed to call one of my friends, but with each name that went through my head I decided it was best to be quiet. To sit in the quiet. To feel sorry for myself, for just a minute. 60 seconds, not one second more.

There is no time for self pity here, there are Suddenly's happening all around me. Circumstances that are far more staggering than mine.

Of course it's September 11th, and today I couldn't help but think of that morning six years ago when suddenly the world didn't feel so safe anymore. It's those Suddenly's in life that are hard.

Yesterday I was reading a blog that I periodically frequent, written by a brave and courageous woman, wife and mother who is fighting brain cancer. She has links to other women who share in her struggles. One of them died yesterday and although I never knew her, never commented on her blog, I feel heavy hearted about her young husband and toddler son who will carry heartache in the days to come. Been praying for him all day today because it's the only way I can deal with the Suddenly's. Even the Suddenly's of people I will never meet.

Suddenly, walking into a room full of strangers, a room full of potential friends seems like the best thing that could have happened today.