Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Suddenly

Today has been full, but reflective.

Today was the first day of Ladies Bible Study at our new church. I was nervous. This is one of the hard parts of the "moving" routine: walking into a group a women, who all know each other, and try to be friendly; try to act normal, as if I just walk into groups of strangers everyday.

I was cringing as I walked to the church door because I have been involved in enough ladies bible studies to know that we are going to play mixer games and do weird stuff like "interview the person next to you and then tell the group about this person".

Several years ago, while I was leading the worship team for Ladies Bible study in Texas I became overwhelmed with anxiety over performing. It came out of nowhere and it hasn't gone away. People are often surprised that I have nervousness. But I always do. When I go somewhere new, when I sing in front of people, when I speak in front of people. The older I get, the worse the nerves get. It is very ridiculous, but for the moment it's the way it is.

So I get to the bible study and all is going fairly well. We are doing a Beth Moore bible study on the book of Daniel.

Here's the thing: it was this very bible study that I started with my Carolina Girls at the first of this year. I came to the first meeting, watched the video, said good bye, and we moved. So all these sweet memories of that night came flooding into my heart and mind and suddenly I am homesick, but not just for my NC girls, but for my Texas girls too (several who don't even live in TX anymore).

It was hard to walk into that room of 150 women and not know anybody. It was difficult as I saw these gals laughing with one another, talking about each others kids, and loving on each other and not be "one of the girls."

When I left the church, everyone was still hanging out and talking. I slipped out quietly, no one even knew I had gone. As I drove out of the parking lot I longed to call one of my friends, but with each name that went through my head I decided it was best to be quiet. To sit in the quiet. To feel sorry for myself, for just a minute. 60 seconds, not one second more.

There is no time for self pity here, there are Suddenly's happening all around me. Circumstances that are far more staggering than mine.

Of course it's September 11th, and today I couldn't help but think of that morning six years ago when suddenly the world didn't feel so safe anymore. It's those Suddenly's in life that are hard.

Yesterday I was reading a blog that I periodically frequent, written by a brave and courageous woman, wife and mother who is fighting brain cancer. She has links to other women who share in her struggles. One of them died yesterday and although I never knew her, never commented on her blog, I feel heavy hearted about her young husband and toddler son who will carry heartache in the days to come. Been praying for him all day today because it's the only way I can deal with the Suddenly's. Even the Suddenly's of people I will never meet.

Suddenly, walking into a room full of strangers, a room full of potential friends seems like the best thing that could have happened today.

6 comments:

meh said...

Courage is revealed in big things and in small things...like walking into a room of strangers, in facing tomorrows that look different then today, in praying for someone you don't even know! You enCOURAGE me, Kellie!

Dana said...

And this woman, who brings me to tears, helping me to feel truly thankful for all that I have, claims not to be a writer! Thanks, Kellie! Dana

Lara said...

This reminded me of an old Christian rock song by the group Petra. I found the words on the internet...
Ephesians 5:20
Words by Bob Hartman and Dino Elefante
Music by John Elefante
I have a thankful heart that you have given me
And it can only come from you
There is no way to begin to tell you how I feel
There are no words to express how you've become so real
Jesus, you've given me so much I can't repay
I have no offering
There is no way to begin to tell you how I feel
There's nothing more I can say and no way to repay
Your warming touch that melts my heart of stone
Your steadfast love - I'll never be alone
I have a thankful heart that you have given me
And it can only come from you
I have a thankful heart; words don't come easily
But I am sure you can see my thankful heart
Help me be a man of God
A man who's after Your own heart
Help me show my gratitude
And keep in me a thankful heart

Anonymous said...

Maybe you can think of your suddenlys in another way. When you feel lonely walking into a new situation, remember that this is yet another chance that God has given you to leave a lasting impression. Having known you for only a short while in NC, I was always impressed by your faith, your natural grace and kindness. You wove an important thread into that preschool that still exists today through the music and the children who remember and speak of you. You will find a way to weave a lasting thread into this new group. You always do.

dcrmom said...

It's so hard being "the new girl". I hope you find your niche soon. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hey Kellie,
Just catching up on my blog reading. It was good to talk with you last Sunday. We NC girls miss you all the time - and especially when I am in your home! You will find your way - cause God does have plans and friends for you, and He will show you the way. I pray for special grace until He moves you into the lives of those He has for you to know. He knows what's happening and He is all other those "Suddenlys!"

Love you!
Linda