Three times now I have started a post.
Three times I have scrapped it. This happened yesterday too.
Let me tell you what has happened.
I started this blog two years ago with friendship in mind.
A few months ago I realized that there is this whole blogging community out there that I never knew existed. Actually I knew there was a crafters blogging community, but I was a lurker. I loved going to a few of the more popular sites and seeing what they were making. I come from a line of people who make things with their hands, so it interests me. But this other communtiy of bloggers are all women, in my 30ish age bracket (although some are older) and most of them have one thing in common...
All of a sudden, after two years of blogging I began to realize that most bloggers are writers. Good writers. There are women who want to be writers. Like real live, want to write a book writers; write about things that effect other peoples lives and make them think kind of writers. I'm talking about people who are actually pursuing writing.
I'm not one of those.
I started keeping a journal in 4th grade. It wasn't that I really thought I liked writing as much as I liked the idea of a diary. A pretty book, filled with pretty blank pages that I could fill with my dreams and deep secrets. And maybe lock with a key.
I still journal most every morning. It takes me about a year or so to get through a new journal and I love finishing them. Not because I feel excited about penning out my thoughts, but because then I get to shop for a new beautiful journal! It's a love affair with pretty paper more than anything else. I have about five more pages in my journal right now....this morning I found myself writing in bigger handwriting just trying to be finished. The new journal is just ready and waiting to be used!
Writing has always helped me. I have gotten through a lot of rough spots through journaling. It's something I hope I will always have the ability to do. It's not something I have ever shared.
This is the crux of my problem.
Writing for me has always just happened, but in the process has at times been deeply personal. Between the pages of the beautiful covers I could write my ugly thoughts, my personal failures, my deep wounds, my heartfelt joys, my fears, and an volumes and volumes of prayer. Probably not something I would put on this blog for just anyone to read.
The Blog started as a place where I wanted to connect with my friends who were suddenly unavailable for everyday face time. A place where my family who lived on the other side of the country to get updated.
Things in the bloggin' part of my brain were fine until I realized that I was a small fresh water fish in the ocean of the scary internet, and all of a sudden I feel pressure. Self imposed pressure, because really, nothing has changed. Yet I find myself freaking out over the key board as to whether or not things are boring here at the blog.
What if people stop reading if I don't post everyday? Should I post more than once a day like some of the bloggers out there? How can I get more readers? How come I got 20readers a day last week, but this week only 15? Maybe people know I am not a writer? Maybe they think I think I'm a writer because I have a blog? How in the world could you be a blogger and not realize that under every blog there is a budding writer?
I'm making myself crazy.
It's not as bad as I am making it sound. I am not thinking about the blog 24/7. I only think about it every time I sit with a pen in my hand or keyboard under my fingertips. Write something good! Write something deep! Write about something that will make people laugh! These thoughts are impeding my ability to write, both on the blog and in my personal writing. As if now I must change the world through the power of La Vida!
However, I do enjoy reading about the thought life of those who are writers...which is why I frequent the Girls Write Out blog. It fascinates me to see a small glimpse of what they are thinking and doing while in the process of writing.
I also enjoy getting to meet new people through this blogging community. If you've been lurking I'd love to get to know ya!
But for the record: I'm not a writer, I just play one on the blog.
Now that that's been said I hope next week will bring a little more room for creativity. It might not always be deep, it might not always be funny, it might not always make sense, it certainly won't always be interesting, but it will always be me.
Since this blog was started with friends in mind, and I have picked up (and reacquainted!) a few friends in the process, I just wanted you to know.
La Vida Dulce!
Friday, September 07, 2007
Three times now I have started a post.
Posted by Kellie A at 6:10 PM