Flying

Time is moving so quickly these days.

Its really just flying.

This week has been good.

But I've come to the realization that my job is changing... and yet the foundation stays the same.

Gone are the days of working hard all day with young children. Of waking up tired from holding sick babies all night and chasing/cleaning after preschoolers.

I am now one of those moms I used to envy. You know the one... she shops without her kids, sips latte's without sharing, isn't wearing gooey graham cracker on the front of her shirt. I have become that mom who can read poolside while the kids are swimming.

But, let me tell you what I am reading...

I'm reading on how to encourage my teenager toward healthy and strong relationships. I'm reading up on how to keep the heart, mind, and body pure in a world that treats relationship (and dating) as something that isn't revered, but looked upon as conquest.

I'm reading on how to help them be excellent communicators (and listeners) when our media-filled age is all about 140 character or less... when conversations that should be held face-to-face are texted-- when words that should be private are splattered all over Facebook.

I'm reading about how to help them see the value in who they have been created to be; to be content with the gifts and talents they have been uniquely given for their good and the to the glory of God. I'm trying to learn how to help them find a way in a society that praises the mean-girl and emasculates the good-boy.

I'm reading up on how to keep my kids spiritually and mentally healthy in a world that offers nothing of sustenance on which to feast, and then glorifies the emaciated mind and body.

I'm trying to gain knowledge and wisdom, help steer the way, but it isn't always easy and often the lessons learned are not just for them... but for me.

I have prayed, and prayed, and prayed again for wisdom. For understanding. For a life-line.

Ten days ago, while I was sitting at the table teaching English and wondering how this whole teenage parenting thing was gonna work out, I received answer to that prayer.

It wasn't what I was expecting.

It was a thought so very clear in my mind that I had to write it down to be sure it was true.

"Be present with those you're with."

Three days later, nearly to the hour, as I anticipated the crossing-off of To-Do lists; in between grocery lists and papers to grade I got caught in the cross-winds of a storm I didn't know was brewing in my heart: How am I supposed to navigate this crazy time of hormones and history papers? How am I to nurse the whiplash that comes in the battle of snarkyness vs. neediness that can happen from the same child within a ten-minute span? How do I mentor and mother? Teach and Talk? Listen and learn? 

Two little words calmed the raging storm. Hope came to soothe my heart as a dozen(ish) letters bled from my pen. 

Job description: Be available.

That's a hard one for me. It always has been. 

 Over and over again I have had to choose to be available. 

Why did I think it would change now?

This Wednesday we had our usual Family Night. We started this tradition over a decade ago when I realized that The Mister and I needed a night that we could count on... a night when we could spend some time with the kids, and then after tucking them in bed, could have some time together. It's been our date night, and with the exception of a half-a-dozen very good reasons, we have kept that date. 

Not every night has been sweetness and light. As a matter of fact there have been some Wednesday evenings that we all should have just crawled into bed at 6:00 pm and stayed there. But our choice to be available to one-another every Wednesday over the period of a decade is beginning to show its fruit. And to be very honest with you, two nights ago it was of great encouragement to me.

Why?

Because choosing to be available again, and again, in the face of discouragement - when family night felt more like a lesson in patience; when others around us discouraged us, didn't understand us, sometimes even asked us to change our date to accommodate things they thought more important; when I just didn't have energy or desire to plan and prepare and my attitude reflected it -  there was still blessing in being available. 

This Wednesday my two worlds collided: that world of choosing availability when my children were little (even when I couldn't see the fruit) and realizing how important it will continue to be as I navigate these sometimes-murky teenage waters. 

Maybe, even more important.

This week Family Night was a quiet and tender gift ... just for me... although, at the time, even I didn't know it.

I made a dinner that everyone loved. The bread came out just perfect. The Girl set the table with added touches. Everyone was happy and communicative. The wine tasted delicious. 

Laughter and Joy and Love was set before us. As we looked across our big walnut table at the faces of this family, we got to taste and see what is good... and it helped me glimpse into the future. 

This. This one moment that took eleven-years to build is what comes of being available, but this isn't the end. Its just the beginning. 

Time is flying... but I don't need to worry... when all plans fail... when I think I am failing... 

I will choose to be present with those I am with... 

I choose to be available.

In the Heat of the Day

A heat wave is coming.

I felt it move in on the wind yesterday, the sun melted anyone standing in its way.

The silently spoken promises of the aqua-colored pool were deceiving - for when you jumped in to be refreshed it was as a lukewarm bath.

It's always at this time of year when I begin to have faint longings for fall.

It isn't like the pining away for warmer days in the dead of winter, when my heart and vision cries out for a glimpse of green. It's more of a nudge, a glimmer, a comfort taken in knowing: the scorching heat that wilts and withers will soon come to an end.

Recently I had a conversation about 'heat' with my daughter.

Life offers up moments when the temperatures of living get hot: a mean person, an awkward moment, a difficult choice. Oh, that I could protect her from the heat that threatens to steal her joy and tempts her to believe that she is left on her own in a vast and thirsty land.


And yet, heat is what refines us and makes us strong.

Still, when life is hot we look for shade and feel alone.

The Good news?

God shows up in the heat of the day.

He shelters us.

He cares for us.

He leads us to a living water that never fails; a water that always cools our brow and quenches our thirst.

Best of all... when we are tempted to despair, when we feel all is lost, when our mouths are dry and we can no longer speak... we can trust in His promise.

Its there, in that promise, I will be waiting... in the heat of this warm summer's day.

Never again will they hunger;
   never again will they thirst.
The sun will not beat down on them,’
   nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne
   will be their shepherd;
‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’
   ‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.’”
(Revelation 7:16-17)

More Than Many Sparrows

Blogger won't let me post pictures this morning...so I am switching gears.

I had hoped to show you some fun stuff from the craft sale I had last weekend...but I guess I will save that for another day.

I've got birds and lilies on my mind this morning.

Again.

Not much time ever passes before I'm brought back to this: do not worry. God is in control.

Whew! Not the light and fluffy post I envisioned...but its where my heart is today...I'm not sad, actually quiet the opposite... its always the choosing to trust that's the hardest; the resting after the trusting is easy and light. You would think I would choose quickly and move about my day, knowing the outcome will always be what's best...but often I choose what I want, forsaking what I desire. Isn't that the problem of life!?

How about you? What comforts you when thoughts and worry threaten to consume your day?

Brown Eyed Girl

I stood at the finish line and watched her struggle.

Her tiny little frame. Her pink bathing suit. Her sweet lanky arms doing their back-stroking best.

In the middle of her lane she flipped to her belly. She still had a long way to go.

Her heat-mates, having finished, stood, teeth chattering at the shallow end of the pool. They were all waiting on her.

In the brevity of a second (but might've felt like an hour) her big brown eyes - water clumping her lashes - carried discouragement and fatigue.

She was in the ocean; the shore too far away.

So we cheered, and we clapped, and we yelled, "You're almost there!" 

And she flipped to her back and pressed on.

The smile on her face when she knew she had finished caused a sting in my eyes that remains there today.

So fatigued, as she was, she needed a boost from the water, but she walked as tall as a smallish swimmer could be...

Encouragement.

We will drowned with out it. 

I stayed by the pool, my stop-watch in hand. My pencil, my score cards, my bottle of water. I recorded the times and cheered on for others, but I was traveling to places on my own stormy sea.

I was remembering days when someone encouraged my efforts, focused my faith, helped me to 'swim-on' when feeling fatigued. Those times were fresh air to my lungs, and cool water when thirsty. It framed the pictures of life I was too ambivalent to see.

I was remembering moments when (apart from my doing) I was privileged to watch encouragement help people I love... to get better, to have confidence, to learn to trust again.

Encouragement lends room for the hard-heart to soften, the broken-heart to find comfort, the hindered-heart to find hope. And last night, as a pool full of parents hollered and cheered, it helped a little brown-eyed girl make it to the finish line.

It helped this brown-eyed girl to remember.

~~~~~~~

God of all healing counsel! 

He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, 

and before you know it, 

he brings us alongside someone else 

who is going through hard times 

so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us.

2 Cor. 1:4 

(The Message)

Hallowed Places

There was a time when the empty places of life were scary to me.

Now, in a time when busyness reigns and cluttered thoughts are abundant, I find comfort in a little peace and quiet. I find myself seeking out hallowed places.

It could be on a walk in the woods, or in my room in the dusky-blue hours of morning.

These quiet times are few and far between right now. So I am searching for them as I walk in the noisy hallways of life....

The shuffling of kids, the visiting of friends, the caring for others...I wouldn't trade all these things for all the coffee in Colombia.

As a matter of fact being busy has been a blessing of sorts because not all of life has been easy.

The Mister and I have made some big changes this month as we said goodbye to our church family and begin a journey to a new place of worship. It was a difficult and painful decision, but one we feel certain is right for our growing-older family.

On the heels of this big change, I'm about to experience the flip-side of what I have done to a handful of friends six-times over: my dear friend is moving. 

She's been a gift in this season - just when I needed her most - and I now get to experience what its like on the opposite side of the moving van.

To say that I'm sad is...not enough.

But instead of fretting, I've tried very hard to be grateful for the people and things I've been given...if only for a time.

Still, I'm selfish enough to want more...

This week I have two extra kiddos in the Little Yellow House on the Hill. A six-year old and a three-year old. They are precious, and a big reminder that the babies we love grow quicker than our hearts and minds can comprehend. This summer is the last one of my Elementary school-children years. The Boy reminded me that there were only 5 summers left until he graduates high-school.

Five summers...and this ones half done.

In the midst of all this full and busy time, I've had a knee injury that just won't heal. I've been irritated that (among other foot injuries) this has slowed me down. But its also made me set aside workouts for things of more importance... for making breakfast, and choosing conversation...for friendships and sharing life with those who want me in it.

Love, Family, Friends, Church, Children, Health,

Gifts.  Hallowed places.

May I always choose them first....

Matthew 6:33

Bluebonnets and Tornados

This weekend I had the privilege to teach at a prayer retreat.

We met at a retreat center that was amazingly peaceful, even in the middle of a huge thunder storm that rolled through at the end of the day. 

It was torrential, this storm, and it came on quickly. 

It reminded me of the time I lived in Texas.

Springtime in Texas is wonderful and unpredictable.

I guess you could say its wonderfully-unpredictable.

I remember with clarity the time I drove down I-30 headed home from a friends house. Along each side of the highway were large patches of wild Bluebonnets. Some of the best bonnets I have ever seen. They were tall and lush; so thick the ground looked as if an artist had taken his finest brush, his prettiest shade of purpley-blue, and painted his finest work ever. 

It was spectacular.

In contrast, as I looked at my rearview mirror the sky was a mass of dark, heavy clouds. There was a storm brewin', and it was headed our way. I turned on the radio and the voice through the speakers advised of a tornado warning - conditions were ripe...'get somewhere safe, and take warning from the sirens'.

I hurried home with my two small children, praying the entire way. It occurred to me that the conditions perfect for painting the highways purple are the same conditions that turn the sky to black: a cool morning, a warm afternoon, a little humidity, a bit of wind.

Bluebonnets and Tornados.

...they both come in the spring.

In Texas, they almost always come together.

Last week, as I drove the highway of life, I saw splashes of color that made my heart sing, and I watched as friends dealt with storms that came upon them without warning - changing life as they've always known it to be.

I'm praying for them, for myself, to cling to God in times both good and bad, because He holds us in His hand.

He is all that is True.

He is bigger than life's storms.

He's the shelter in these storms.

Even so, my heart feels heavy...

Bluebonnets and Tornado's, 


...wonderful and unpredictable...


...they always seem to come in spring.

~~~~

'For behold, the winter is past,

The rain is over and gone.

'The flowers have already appeared in the land;

Arise, my darling, my beautiful one,

And come along!' "

Song 2:11,13 

(NASB)

In Case You Need To Know

I had a post all typed out.

It took me several hours (written over a couple of afternoons) and somehow, with the click of a key and a push of a button - its gone.

Grrrr.

So instead I will leave you with this happy little thought:

This is the puffy Cardinal that has claimed the green bush in our front yard. He perches on that branch as if he hasn't a care in the world. He's just daring the other birds to come on over.

I love birds.

I have a collection of them:

Given to me by friends and family over the course of time.

I'm not sure why I love birds, but I do remember a time, many, many years ago, when I was struggling through some deep issues in my life. I felt like a little bird with broken wings, battling in a war of ambivalence: desperately wanting to fly away free, and too afraid to leave my cage.

In the midst of this epic skirmish-of-my-heart I read something that strengthened my soul and turned the war to my favor:

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?

Yet not one of them will fall to the ground

outside your Father's care...

So do not be afraid;

You are worth more than many sparrows.

~Matthew 10: 29, 31

This verse comes up over and over again in my life...often when I am not even struggling. 

One time, when in my office with a blank canvas and few hours on hand I made this: 

Another time while scribbling in church I drew this:

This weekend I found myself stitching that same little bird with blue embroidery floss onto a scrap of fabric.

And of course there was that short stint in jewelry making: 

At first, this bird fascination felt a little...strange. 

Now I look at these little times of spontaneous bird-focused creativity as little downy fluffs that have dropped in my nest. They're like soft, cozy notes inviting me to remain under His protective feathers. I do believe it is a reminder from the Lord; a small whisper into my soul that I am kept in shadow of His wing. 

No, this isn't the post I had intended to write today, but perhaps you've come here because you need to know: 

He will cover you with His feathers,

and under His wing you will find refuge;

His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

~Psalm 91:4

with love,

kellie

This Good Day - A Gift

I had every intention of getting out today and running all over town.

But with a text and phone call my plans changed, and I sighed with great relief. It feels good to have a day to just be at home without a full agenda.

So I've crafted and sewed and made homemade bread. I folded laundry and went for a run, while the kids rode their bikes.

And since I started this blog post, I've had two different friends stop-by for a quick chat.

All day long my windows have been open and the cool breeze has mingled through each room. I love it when the curtains blow gently in soft little waves.

This good day. It is a gift. One filled with friends, and work, and leisure and beautiful things to see....

And that this good day should happen in my favorite time of year... when the browns of winter give way to greens; and the promise of blossom is hanging on the vine.

It fills me with excitement for today and hope for tomorrow, when cool mornings will soon be warm and we'll eat popsicles at night while we watch the fireflies glow - when we have to wash the dirt off our bare-feet before bed.

Even if those warm-ish days are still far away, I'm content.

I am thankful for this good day.

The Mercy of Winter

This week has been an interesting blend of catch-up and slow-down.

I think I felt a little bit of Spring fever this week.

I'm ready for some warm weather...

To get my hands out of the yarn...

 ... and into the earth.

I bought cucumbers and tomatoes this week at the store and longed to just pluck them from my garden.

I found myself looking for signs in the yard that spring is coming...

Where are the daffodils?

The Camellia?

I know its only the 11th of February... but it's that time of year when I long to see an end to cold. I want to feast my senses on the sights, sounds, smells and tangible hopes that come from the thawing of the earth.

Right now, in this resting time, when things are held back in sleep, I must choose to see the Mercy in winter... must plan to remember that... God set the boundaries of the earth, and made both summer and winter. (Psalm 74:17, emphasis mine), for His purpose and glory. 


Currently, its 19 degrees outside. Outside my window it looks like this:

But what rests beneath the dull-brown, seemingly life-less, branches is this:

In the fullness of His grace, we cannot have one without the other.

There is Mercy in winter... so I'll thrown on another scarf, a hat, some mittens...

... and patiently wait for spring.

Giving Thanks for Snowflakes and Friends

I've a new obsession.

Snowflakes.

So I've made one... or twenty.

These babies aren't cold, don't melt, and feel like a present each time you open them.

If you google 'paper snowflake pattern' you'll find all sorts of ways to make a 4, 5, or six-pointed snowflake, and you too, will have snowflake neurosis  passion.

I'm so easily side-tracked, I didn't actually come here to talk about snowflakes...

I wanted to tell you something I've been thinking about lately...

Last year The Girl joined the Girl Scouts. The first half of the year she enjoyed all the things she learned at the meetings, but had trouble connecting with the other girls. By mid-February she was ready to quit.

I was beginning to wear thin of all the prodding I was having to do on meeting days, but I was also very worried about the spring camping trip...the one I would send The Girl to alone...y'all know that I was fretful. I was thinking about letting her quit just so I wouldn't have to face my own fears about letting her go.

I'm so glad I didn't allow her (or me!) to quit.

It was on that camping trip that she met The BBFF or British Best Friend Forever (her mother doesn't know I'm writing about her, so I'll keep her somewhat anon)

The BBFF and her family are living in America for an interim, and since last March these two have come to be great friends.

When these girls are together, they are truly connected at the hip.

The amazing part is that I've had the privilege to get to know The BBFF's mum, Alison, who has been willing to spend some time with me and has patiently put up with all my inquiry: What is Cricket? Where do you shop? Why is William the Prince of Wales when he lives in London? Do you eat peanut butter? Was it hard to learn to drive on the 'right' side of the road? What is Marmite? 

What she doesn't realize is that she is teaching me far more than answering the silly questions of an American coffee drinker. My tea-times with her have been so enjoyable and helped me to see that she and I have far more in-common than not. With each visit I've been given a glimpse of God's providence.

I could have quit Girls Scouts last year, when it might have been easier... but at the loss of many wonderful things, including a new friend. Not just for the girls, but for Alison and me.

Yesterday afternoon she stopped by with a gift: homemade lemon curd...what a treat!

I can't wait to make some proper scones...

This morning my heart is full of thanks: for tea-times, new friends, and reaping the benefits of lessons learned.

In the Nest

I'm feeling pensive today.

This always happens 

when I expose my heart,
as I did last night-- 

Awkwardly sharing

the deeper places 

that only the Lord

 and I 

can see. 

Honestly, 

I didn't share much, 

but a swatch cut from the tapestry of life 

still sometimes stings... 

Though differently than it did before. 

Its hard, 

choosing vulnerability.

Hard to share the deeper things of life 

that have shaped me, 

held me, 

transformed me 

into who I am today. 

Still...

 I'm tempted 

to create a different image,

than the one 

cut for me.

Though I am unable to do it.

Time has taught me,

to share 

(when the time is right)

 the good

as well as the bad.

I doubt I will ever

do it gracefully...

but the privilege of

Remembering,

Reminding,

Representing,

all things,

those we can see and understand,

and those we can't, 

can be..

"...used for good, to accomplish what is now being done...
so don't be afraid."

Life is messy. 

Even ugly, 

sometimes I still want to run -- 

runaway 

from places and names, 

times and troubles. 

Run, 

from myself.

But Truth tells me,

I'm never alone.

(Neither are you.)

I am,

and was,

and always will be,

thankfully,

blessedly,

amazingly,

tucked in,

under-wing, 

of the 

Almighty.

~~~

He will cover you with His feathers,

and under His wing you will find refuge,

His faithfulness will be your shield.

Psalm 91:4