In 2005 we moved from Texas to North Carolina and immediately got The Boy registered in a new school.
The night before his first day I had a dream that I showed up bright and early to the carpool line. As I pulled into the parking lot I realized I would need to walk into the building. But when I looked down to take my seatbelt off, I wasn't wearing a shirt.
It was such a vivid dream that I woke up with heart palpitations and was sweating. I've laughed about that dream for years now. I guess it doesn't matter how old you are- when you are insecure you are going to have dreams that you show up to school in your underwear.
Co-op starts tomorrow. I had a dream two nights ago that I completely dropped the ball and didn't show up, even though I knew that I was letting down people I care for and love, especially one friend in particular. I spent all of yesterday having to tell myself that that dream wasn't real.
I know why I am having dreams of insecurity. This is a new season for me. We are in a new school year. We are attending a new church. I am meeting new friends. Starting new groups.
I can sum up in three words how I am feeling about this new season in life: I love it.
Even so, isn't it funny how new things can stir up old insecurity?
I'm convinced that insecurities are just distractions in my focus. They are bright warning lights that lead to dead end spaces. Diversions from the truth set before me.
I found myself fretting over what to wear to church early Sunday morning, and then weeping in the sanctuary with gratitude for the place we have found ourselves in... who cares what I was wearing?
"Be thou my vision..." I sang between catches in my throat. "Thou with me dwelling, and I with thee one."
Weeping tears of contentment and praying for a vision that isn't set upon myself. That is the cure for insecurity: Gratitude for the gifts given. A heart, mind and vision focused on the One who holds the future. And the security of knowing I don't walk alone.
Even when I show up in my underwear.